IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that schools should only teach children subjects which are beneficial to their future career and therefore others subjects such as music and sports are not important To what extend do you agree or disagree

#people #schools #children #subjects #future #career #music #sports
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is thought by some people that
subjects
Use synonyms
 that are considered not important to children should be cut out from their curriculum and schools need to teach only
subjects
Use synonyms
 that will benefit their
future
Use synonyms
 careers. From my point of view, I slightly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 aspect and
reasons
Correct pronoun usage
my reasons
show examples
 will be outlined in the following paragraphs before reaching my conclusion.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, there are many disadvantages
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
 removing
subjects
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as
music
Use synonyms
 and sports from the school lessons, and one of the downsides is they will lack inspiration. To elaborate
further
Linking Words
, there is a number of children who still cannot find what they
are likings
Verb problem
like
show examples
 and want to do in the
future
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, cutting these
subjects
Use synonyms
 out makes some teenagers cannot hone their skills if they want to be musicians or athletes in the
future
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
. my cousin just found out that he longed to be a pianist after attending a
music
Use synonyms
 lesson. Unfortunately, his school decided to remove a
music
Use synonyms
 subject from the curriculum which in turn forced him to stop playing the piano, breaking his dream.
Additionally
Linking Words
, another reason is it affects learners'
health
Use synonyms
. What
this
Linking Words
 means is they will learn only compulsory
subjects
Use synonyms
 leading to mental
health
Use synonyms
 issues
such
Linking Words
 as stress and depression.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, sitting in classrooms all day and being idle weakens their physical
health
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, after the school cut out those leisure lessons, my cousin told me that he needed to sit and study more than 9 hours a day.
As a result
Linking Words
, making him not only felt unhappy and depressed but
also
Linking Words
 lost his appetite.
In addition
Linking Words
, his weight went down 5 kilograms, becoming thinner and unfit
as
Change preposition
than
show examples
 before.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is a fact in
this
Linking Words
 contemporary time that a lot of schools want to teach only
subjects
Use synonyms
 that are beneficial to children's
future
Use synonyms
 path. In my opinion, I disagree with
this
Linking Words
 viewpoint because cutting
subjects
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as
music
Use synonyms
 and sports offers numerous downsides to our offspring
such
Linking Words
 as lack of inspiration and both mental and physical
health
Use synonyms
 issues.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your introduction presents the topic well and states your opinion clearly. However, it could be even stronger by briefly mentioning the main points you will discuss.
coherence
In your first body paragraph, the main point and example provided are appropriate, but some phrases could be restructured for greater clarity and coherence. For example, 'there is a number of children who still cannot find what they are likings and want to do' could be improved to 'there are many children who have not yet discovered their passions or career interests'.
coherence
Sentences like 'Unfortunately, his school decided to remove a music subject from the curriculum which in turn forced him to stop playing the piano, breaking his dream' could be split into two sentences to improve readability and emphasis on the key points.
task response
The second body paragraph offers relevant and specific examples that strengthen your argument. However, be wary of using overly personal examples too frequently as they might not always reflect a broader perspective. Consider including some more general observations or statistical data if possible.
coherence
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This helps the reader follow your argument easily.
task response
You have supported your main points with relevant examples, particularly in the second body paragraph. This makes your argument more persuasive.
task response
The conclusion effectively summarizes your points and restates your opinion, which provides a solid end to your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: