IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

children spend a lot of time watching tv and playing computer games, however it does not improve their mental abilities. do you agree or disagree?

#children #time #tv #computer #games #abilities
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is true that in
this
 day and age, opinion is divided over whether digital devices have a negative impact on youth mental abilities. In
this
 essay, I will look at both sides of
this
 debate
as well as
 offer my own point of view. Turning first of all to the arguments in favour of
this
 idea, it goes without saying that cultivating values through TV dramas and TV shows enriches individual life and has a positive impact on people's spirituality. At the same time, it is crucial to acknowledge that not all TV programs and computer games are created equal. Educational shows and interactive games designed specifically for children can provide valuable learning experiences. As far as the other side of
this
 debate is concerned, it goes without saying that electric devices are recognized as addictive.
Furthermore
, using a dependence on gadgets in the early life stage could lead to anxiety, depression, and attention problems. It may
also
 be worth noting that digital gadgets can detract from homework and study time, potentially leading to poorer academic results.
Moreover
, teenagers lose their opportunity to have a conversation face to face, which is crucial to developing social skills and manners. By way of conclusion, from the ideas and examples above it can be seen that there are valid arguments on both sides of
this
 debate.
However
, I am of the opinion that in the grand scheme of things, the negative effects of electronic devices on children's mental development outweigh the positive effects.
Submitted by yusei.nakano on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your introduction effectively outlines the debate and clearly states that you will provide your own point of view. However, you could make your stance a bit clearer at the beginning to provide a stronger framework for your argument.
task achievement
While you provide arguments for both sides, your points would benefit from more specific examples or data to strengthen your claims.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph flows well into the next.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each idea is fully developed and avoid overly general statements. For example, you mention that digital devices can detract from homework time, but providing an example or a study to back this up would be more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a good command of the English language with varied sentence structures and appropriate vocabulary.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion reiterates the main points of the essay and clearly states your stance, summarizing the argument effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • sedentary behavior
  • obesity
  • academic performance
  • social skills
  • mental health
  • attention problems
  • creativity
  • imagination
  • face-to-face interactions
What to do next:
Look at other essays: