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Writing Samples
Band 7

In some countries, parents expect children to spend long time in studying both in and after school and have less free time. What are the positive or negative effects on children and society they live in?

#countries #parents #children #time #school #effects #society
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The question of whether studying
both
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 in and after
school
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 is very topical recently because it causes
both
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 positive and negative influences on individuals and
society
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. I will present the effects on
both
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 sides as follows. On the positive side, studying after
school
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 should be promoted because of
society
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’s development and individual success. The development of modern
society
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 contributes to the prevalence of specialization. From the perspective of children, spending more time
in
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on
show examples
 their own craft helps them to be more competitive in the future.
For example
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, for a pianist, spending a large amount of time on accumulating finger techniques, memorizing a variety of scores, and mastering their activation system would help them be outstanding from the fierce competition. On the negative side studying after
school
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 may not actually contribute to developing skills. It is undeniable that guidance from teachers plays an important role in students’ studying process and long-term inefficient habits may be developed without detailed adjustment from teachers.
For example
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, solving math problems is not only about memorizing formulas but
also
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 requires logical thinking and mature analytic skills, which can hardly be trained by students on their own.
In addition
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, over-donating energy and resources to studying after
school
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 may contribute to stress for
both
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 individuals and
society
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. To be more specific, children lack mental construction because of time tied up in studying, leading them to be more sensitive about the outcomes in the long term. The suicide of Chinese students who did not get dream schools’ offers and the decrease in the Chinese happiness index are perfect examples. It appears to me that studying after
school
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 has a negative influence on inefficient learning for children and causes mental issues for the whole
society
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.
However
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, studying full days contributes a lot to kids who want to achieve success particularly.
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task achievement
Your essay provides a clear response to the task and addresses both positive and negative effects. Try to further develop your ideas for a more comprehensive response. For instance, you can provide additional examples and elaborate on your points.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction clearly presents the topic and the structure of your essay. However, the conclusion could be more explicit in summarizing the key points discussed in the body paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
You have a logical progression of ideas. To enhance cohesion, use more varied linking words and phrases to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. This will improve the flow of your essay.
task achievement
You successfully presented both sides of the argument, supported with relevant examples and clear explanations.
coherence cohesion
Your essay follows a logical structure, with clear paragraphs and a consistent progression of ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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