In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?
Most parents teach their
children
that the result
of their work is based on their performance. They hope their children
can be successful in the future. I oppose this
view with the arguments in the following paragraphs. I strongly believe the learning process is more important than the result
.
Some people think that anything can be achieved by hard work. As a
result
, many children
grow up with high motivation to achieve their dreams. Not only increasing their motivation,
but Remove the comma
apply
also
the sense of competitiveness to others. With this
fundamental, they can be more independent and not always rely on others. For example
, people with this
behavior
get their first job quicker than others.
Change the spelling
behaviour
Besides
, there are disadvantages to having this
kind of teaching. Many children
are too focused on the result
, not the art of learning. When the result
is not as good as their expectations or making mistakes, they get low motivation and are depressed. Furthermore
, they lost their vision to get back on track. To illustrate, most adults in Japan have killed themselves when they lost their jobs or can’t achieve their target.
In conclusion, the teaching of hard work is good if can give a balance with low expectations. Most parents and schools should give a lesson on the importance of learning from mistakes. Making wrong decisions at a young age will make us stronger and more mature in the future. As a
result
, people will be not fragile if they get bad achievements when they are adults.Submitted by vito.naufal on
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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure each paragraph clearly connects to your main argument to improve logical structure. For example, the relationship between the belief that effort leads to success and its psychological impacts could be more clearly articulated.
Task Achievement
Strengthen your examples by including more specific details and explanations – for instance, explaining why individuals in Japan might feel compelled to take extreme measures.
Task Achievement
Work on maintaining consistency in your point of view. While you express a belief that the learning process is more important, this point could be reinforced and referenced throughout the essay for clarity.
Task Achievement
You have successfully addressed the task by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of the message being conveyed to children. This shows a balanced understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is generally well-organized with clear paragraphs for pros and cons, which helps readability and coherence.
Task Achievement
You've provided relevant examples that support your points, such as the scenario of job-obsessed adults in Japan, which adds credibility to your argument.
Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic
IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.
Answer structure for the type of essay
- Introduction
- Body paragraph 1 – advantages
- Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
- Conclusion
Examples to start your body paragraph:
- The main advantage is...
- The disadvantage of this...
- The main benefit...
- Despite these advantages...
- One possible drawback...