IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Social media has become a real problem for some young people today, and governments should create laws that allow only people over 18 years of age to have accounts. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#media #people #governments #laws #years #age #accounts
Nowadays, the number of social
media
users
 is countless, and it poses significant problems for the younger generation.
Therefore
, some propose that governments should create official rules that permit only those over 18 years old to use these platforms. I partly agree with
this
 statement;
however
, its merits and drawbacks should be considered. On the one hand, it is undeniable that social
media
 can be harmful to the education and development of young people. They often do not understand the power or influence of their online actions, which can unintentionally lead to insulting others.
For example
, in face-to-face communication, a person might say something only to those around them.
In contrast
, if someone posts the same thing on social
media
, it can become a significant issue because everyone can see it.
Therefore
, young
users
, who may not understand the consequences of their words, should be restricted from using these platforms.
On the other hand
, there are benefits to allowing
users
 under 18 to access social
media
. They can obtain information faster than through traditional
media
 like newspapers or TV.
For instance
,
while
 TV might report an accident several hours after it happens,
users
 can post about it on Twitter within minutes.
This
 rapid access to information is particularly beneficial during natural disasters when timely updates are crucial. In conclusion,
while
 there are specific downsides to social
media
, its advantages are
also
 significant.
Therefore
, I believe that governments should carefully weigh the pros and cons and create appropriate regulations.
Submitted by ryoga17.0325 on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, which is great. However, you could further enhance your argument by providing more detailed examples to support your points. More specific case studies or statistics can make your argument more persuasive.
task achievement
While your ideas are mostly clear and well-organized, try to further clarify and elaborate on your main points to increase comprehensiveness. Dive deeper into why social media can be harmful or beneficial and consider potential counterarguments.
coherence cohesion
Your essay maintains a logical structure, but transitions between some paragraphs could be smoother. Consider using more connecting phrases or words to better link your ideas and paragraphs together for improved cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized, with a clear introduction outlining your partial agreement, followed by body paragraphs discussing both sides, and a concise conclusion summarizing your stance.
task achievement
Your argument is balanced, addressing both the potential harm and benefits of social media for young users, which shows a nuanced understanding of the issue.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

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