IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think that the internet has brought people closer together while others think that people and communities are become more isolated. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#people #internet #communities
With an ever-increasing concern about the effects of sophisticated modern technology on people’s social lives, a proportion of the population opined that it allowed people to connect freely and easily with no geographical barriers. The rest of the population,
however
, raised a counterargument that it resulted in people feeling more isolated from society.
This
 essay will discuss both opinions and give a concluding viewpoint. On the one hand, advocates of the
internet
 argue that it brings positive effects on communication. People can share any type of information, photos and opinions with their loved ones whenever and wherever they want,
therefore
Correct your spelling
keeping
keepin
Correct your spelling
keeping
 g a sense of connectedness and closeness. Compared to the group of international students who use applications like Facetime and Kakaotalk to chat with their families, are less likely to experience a sense of loneliness than those who do not.
On the other hand
, opponents of
this
 idea contend that with the existence of almost daily
evidence
Add a comma
evidence,
show examples
 the
internet
 can be detrimental. From the perspective of young students,
given
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
being more vulnerable to being affected by the addictive nature of the
internet
 has been an actual cause of
damaging
Correct article usage
a damaging
show examples
 effect on mental health which can result in individuals feeling more isolated from society. The essential way to curb
this
 trend should be to
provision
Replace the word
provide
show examples
chances to have crucial face-to-face interactions within family, community and society. In conclusion, it seems that easy access to the
internet
 could bring about better outcomes for the public.
Nevertheless
, I strongly believe that long-term consequences which can be directly caused by
this
 agenda should be considered,
moreover
, other measures should be implemented for the long-term data collectives.
Submitted by rachael0124 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Enhance the specific examples provided to support your main points better. For instance, elaborate more on how international students use Facetime and Kakaotalk to stay connected with their families. Providing more real-life examples or statistics can help strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the logical flow between paragraphs. Use more transitional phrases to make the transition between ideas smoother. For example, you could use phrases like 'In addition,' or 'Consequently,' to improve the coherence of your essay.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a well-constructed introduction and conclusion, presenting the topic clearly and summarizing the viewpoints effectively.
coherence cohesion
Main points are supported with logical explanations, making the essay coherent and easy to follow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: