Some say that because many people ar eliving much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Some
people
stated that people
's lifespan is getting longer, the
age of retirement should be substantially raised. Correct word choice
and the
This
author disgarees
with the statement because Correct your spelling
disagrees
disagree
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
needs
more resting Change the verb form
need
time
for their pastimes and fundamentally their children and family, not only that, but also
to avoid sickness in workplaces to extend their own life expectancy.
Raising people
's retirement age can be considered to take away people
's living time
. This
is because it can bring about disease when working in unsuitable conditions. Moreover
, it can be the reason for lack
of Correct article usage
a lack
energies
, which can be a major factor affecting worker's life expectancy. Fix the agreement mistake
energy
For instance
, scientists have reported that there were
an increasingly Correct subject-verb agreement
was
noticable
Correct your spelling
noticeable
of
early death for Change preposition
apply
Asian's
elderly when they Change noun form
Asian
have to
suffer Verb problem
apply
variety
of health problems during their work.
It is vital to understand that every Add an article
a variety
workers
Change to a singular noun
worker
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
time
looking
after and Change the verb form
to look
visist
their children and family, especially the older ones. By way of explanation, positive emotions play a crucial role in extending lifespan. Correct your spelling
visit
Nevertheless
, positive emotions are mostly expressed when they gather with their family. For example
, gathering with family boost
Correct subject-verb agreement
boosts
people
's mood with joyce and love that helps to extend their lifespan.
Taking everything into consideration, this
author completly
Correct your spelling
completely
disagree
with Correct subject-verb agreement
disagrees
statement
in light of concerns about Add an article
the statement
Correct article usage
the lost
lost
of Replace the word
loss
energies
which puts Fix the agreement mistake
energy
employee
themselves under Fix the agreement mistake
employees
pressures
, Fix the agreement mistake
pressure
this
possibly will affect
their life expectancy. Wrong verb form
affects
Furthermore
, resting time
is Correct your spelling
necessary
neccessary
to have Correct your spelling
necessary
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
gathering
with family and kids to gain joyce in order to live longer Change the verb form
to gather
happily
Correct word choice
and happily
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task achievement
Ensure accurate grammar and spelling throughout the essay. This will help make your argument clearer and more compelling. For example, 'disgarees' should be 'disagrees', 'elderly needs' should be 'the elderly need', and 'noticable' should be 'noticeable'.
task achievement
Strengthen your main points with more relevant and specific examples. This will help illustrate your arguments and make them more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow between paragraphs with more transitional phrases. This would help the readers follow your argument more smoothly. For example, use phrases like 'in addition', 'furthermore', or 'on the other hand' when appropriate.
coherence cohesion
Provide a stronger introduction that clearly states your stance and previews the main points you will discuss. This sets a clear roadmap for your essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt and provides a clear stance on the issue.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main arguments and reinforces the essay's stance.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a clear focus on the topic throughout, ensuring that the discussion remains relevant.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?