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Band 6

It has been suggested that primary school children should be taught how to grow vegetables and keep animals. To what extent the advantages outweigh its disadvantages.

#school #children #vegetables #animals
It is thought by some people that teaching primary school children about plants and pets brings a lot of benefits to them
while
 others do not
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
advocate
this
 idea. In
this
 essay, both
positive
Correct article usage
the positive
show examples
 and negative effects of
this
 matter will be outlined before reaching my conclusion.
To begin
 with, there are several advantages of allowing students to learn about how to grow vegetables and keep animals, and one of the most significant is being humanity. To elaborate
further
, younger adolescents will understand how to take care of something or someone with love.
Moreover
, they will grasp a sense of sympathy which is fading out of our society in
this
 contemporary time.
For example
, my aunt
buy
Change the verb form
buys
show examples
 a puppy for her child because she wants him to gain experience in how to look after someone with care and love.
Moreover
, she wants him to learn and understand sympathy, what the puppy feels or needs, and apply it to his real life.
On the other hand
, it is undeniable that there are numerous disadvantages to the younger generations and the most crucial one is obsession. What
this
 means is it will affect their academic studies if they only focus on those things.
Furthermore
, they will lack socialising and interpersonal skills which are
also
 important to their lives.
For instance
, my best friend and I always studied and reviewed the lessons together after the day was off. But after he bought a new kitten, he always went straight back to his home and played with his pet which in turn his scores on the exam fell down and our relationship
further
 widened.
Overall
, putting courses
such
 as growing vegetables and keeping animals
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 primary school's curriculum can offer both benefits and downsides to students. From my point of view, I suppose the advantages outweigh the disadvantages because these lessons provide children with a sense of being human
being
Fix the agreement mistake
beings
show examples
 that we lack these days.
Besides
, it is essential for their lives when they grow up.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt well and provides a balanced discussion of both advantages and disadvantages. However, it's important to refine your argument structure so that each paragraph describes the points more clearly and concisely.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. Use more sophisticated linking devices to enhance coherence and cohesion. For example, phrases like 'in contrast' or 'consequently' can help to make your ideas flow more smoothly.
task achievement
You provided specific examples to support your points, which is excellent.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure: introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion are all present and well-defined.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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