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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar chart shows attendance of people in different ages in music events in Australia in 2006

The bar chart shows attendance of people in different ages in music events in Australia in 2006
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The given bar chart demonstrates the number of Australians who
attend
Wrong verb form
attended
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festival
Fix the agreement mistake
festivals
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 related to
music
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
of
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 various ages throughout 2006. Units are measured in percentage.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 classical events were uncommon in society
except
Add the preposition
except for
show examples
 the older
group
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 citizens
fascinated
Add a missing verb
were fascinated
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about
Change preposition
by
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 popular occasions.
In addition
Linking Words
, people in the middle
age
Use synonyms
 spent more time to join in social events than others. It is vital to understand that the three youngest growth
attract
Wrong verb form
attracted
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 to common
music
Use synonyms
 reached
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 peak at 38% among the 15-24
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 and a third and under 30% for the middle
age
Use synonyms
 and human
being
Fix the agreement mistake
beings
show examples
 between 25 and 34, respectively. Regarding opera festivals, the data for
two
Correct article usage
the two
show examples
 groups
quite
Add a missing verb
was quite
show examples
 similar nearly 15% in 2006
whereas
Linking Words
 exactly a quarter
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 the number of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
age
Replace the word
aged
show examples
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
35 to 44. In the
Correct your spelling
latest
show examples
lastest
Correct your spelling
latest
show examples
 event, the difference was much smaller under 8% in
first
Add an article
the first
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 and
last
Linking Words
group
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 the data among the 25-34
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 was about 11%. Turning to the remaining statistics, it is evident that, opera was the
favored
Change the spelling
favoured
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music
Use synonyms
 event among those aged 45-54 and over 55, with both groups accounting for 15% of attendees.
In contrast
Linking Words
, classical
music
Use synonyms
 had a smaller share of 10% and 8% for these
age
Use synonyms
 brackets, respectively. The oldest
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 showed the lowest participation in popular
music
Use synonyms
 events, with only 5% participation,
while
Linking Words
 13% of individuals aged 45-54 engaged in
this
Linking Words
 activity.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words music, group, age with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • attendance patterns
  • age demographics
  • teenagers
  • young adults
  • middle-aged individuals
  • senior citizens
  • varies
  • preferences
  • interpret
  • type of music events
  • concerts
  • festivals
  • classical music events
  • insightful
  • popular
  • cultural influences
  • social trends
  • lifestyle choices
  • affect
  • rates
  • economic factors
  • accessibility
  • cost of tickets
  • income levels
  • comparison
  • recreational activities
  • forms of entertainment
  • noting trends
  • deviations
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