IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

In some cities, public parks and open spaces are changed into gardens where local residents can grow their own fruit and vegetables. Do you think the benefits outweigh the disadvantages?

#cities #parks #spaces #gardens #residents #fruit #vegetables
Contained in the chart is data pertaining to the
percentage
 of attendance for 3 types of
music
events
 in 2006 in Australia.
Overall
, it is obvious that
pop
music
events
 had the highest
percentage
 in
groups
 aged from 15-54. Meanwhile,
groups
 aged 45-54 and 55+ had opera
music
events
 as the highest. Beginning with
pop
music
events
, it was the most popular category in
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 aged 15-24 with 38%, followed by
age
 35-44 and
age
 25-34
groups
 with 33% and 27% respectively. Meanwhile, opera
music
events
 dominated in
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
 35-44 with 25%, outnumbered
groups
Change preposition
by groups
show examples
 aged 25-34 and 15-24
which
Correct pronoun usage
whose
show examples
percentage
Fix the agreement mistake
percentages
show examples
 were just around 13%-14%.
Additionally
, classical
music
events
 had the same
percentage
 in
groups
age
Wrong verb form
aged
show examples
 15-24 and
age
 35-44,
while
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
age
 25-34 it was 8%. Turning to
remaining
Correct article usage
the remaining
show examples
groups
, it has the same
attendances
Fix the agreement mistake
attendance
show examples
 with 15%. It is obvious that
attendances
Fix the agreement mistake
attendance
show examples
of
Change preposition
at
show examples
 classical
music
events
 in
group
Correct article usage
the group
show examples
age
Wrong verb form
aged
show examples
 55+ was 8%, higher than
pop
music
 by 3%.
By contrast
,
attendances
Fix the agreement mistake
attendance
show examples
 of
pop
music
events
n
Correct your spelling
in
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 aged 45-54 was 13%, higher than classical
music
events
 with just 10%.

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task achievement
Ensure that all age groups are described with relevant details for each type of music event. Some age groups could be described in more detail to improve clarity and comprehensiveness.
coherence cohesion
Make sure the introduction includes an overview of all main points that will be discussed. Consider adding a concluding sentence that summarizes the analysis.
coherence cohesion
Use clear paragraphing to separate different types of music events and age groups for better readability and structure.
task achievement
The essay effectively identifies and compares the main trends across different age groups and types of music events.
general
The language used is clear and mostly accurate, which helps in conveying the ideas effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Urban Agriculture
  • Community Engagement
  • Social Interaction
  • Physical Exercise
  • Mental Relaxation
  • Fresh Produce
  • Sustainability
  • Biodiversity
  • Carbon Footprint
  • Air Quality
  • Educational Opportunities
  • Horticulture
  • Teamwork
  • Sustainable Living
  • Food Security
  • Locally-grown
  • Nutritious
  • Neighborhood Bonds
  • Urban Sustainability
What to do next:
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