IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar chart show attendance of people in different ages in music events in Australia in 2006.

The bar chart show attendance of people in different ages in music events in Australia in 2006.
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Contained in the bar chart is data pertaining to
people
Use synonyms
 who join in different kinds of
music
Use synonyms
concerts
Use synonyms
according to
Linking Words
 their
age
Use synonyms
 in Australia in 2006.
Overall
Linking Words
, popular
music
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
 seemed to be the most popular among the three other categories surveyed. It is
clearly
Change the word
clear
show examples
 that
people
Use synonyms
 who had
age
Use synonyms
 from 15 to 24 and 35 to 44 were more keen on going to
music
Use synonyms
concerts
Use synonyms
 than other
age
Use synonyms
 groups. In 2006,
whereas
Linking Words
 only 11% and 13% of
people
Use synonyms
 among the youngest group
attend
Wrong verb form
attended
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
classical and opera
music
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
, the number of popular
music
Use synonyms
concerts
Use synonyms
 attendance seemed higher, standing at 40%. There are some similarities with
25
Correct article usage
the 25
show examples
-34
age
Use synonyms
 group,
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
 the number of attendance for famous
music
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
 far exceeded that of opera and classical, with respective figures being 27%, 14% and 8%.
Similarly
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who had
Use synonyms
age
Change the verb form
aged
show examples
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
35 to 44 were more interested in going to popular
music
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
 than
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 two left, over 30%. Turning to the remaining two groups, the number of
people
Use synonyms
 over 45 years old and under 54 years old going to these three kinds of
music
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
 was rather uniform, around 13%. Opera
music
Use synonyms
 seemed to be the
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
 among
this
Linking Words
 group (15%), compared to 8% of
people
Use synonyms
 in classical
music
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
 and 5% in popular
concerts
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Introduction: The introduction is missing.
▼
Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words people, music, concerts, age, events with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: