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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar chart shows attendances of people in different ages in music events in Australia in 2006.

The bar chart shows attendances of people in different ages in music events in Australia in 2006.
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Contained in the bar chart is data pertaining to how many Australian
people
Use synonyms
 attend three types of
music
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events
Use synonyms
 during 2006. The data is measured in percentages.
Overall
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, it can be seen that all the
age
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 ranges did not like to go to classical
music
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events
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 the most, except for
people
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 aged 55 and above.
Additionally
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, popular
music
Use synonyms
events
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 were attractive the most to
people
Use synonyms
 from 15 to 24 years old,
while
Linking Words
 the opposite was true for
this
Linking Words
music
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genre
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 in the
age
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 group of more than 55.
To begin
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 with, individuals aged 15-44, all witnessed a similar pattern for every kind of
music
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 event. Specifically,
music
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events
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 relating to the
genre
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 of popular took off the lead of 38% for 15-24
people
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, 27% for those 25-34 and around a third for those aged 35-44. These were followed by the rate of individuals attending opera
music
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events
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, which accounted for 13%, 14% and a quarter respectively. Regarding the remaining
genre
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, classical, there was a similarity in the figure for the
age
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 group of 15-24, which both comprised more than a tenth,
while
Linking Words
 only 8% of the audience between 25 and 34 went to
music
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events
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 of
this
Linking Words
genre
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. Turning to the remainder, opera was the most popular type of
music
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 to
people
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 aged more than 45, which attracted 15% of Australian attendance. Meanwhile, classical
music
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events
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 gained the least interest in those ones 45-54 with a tenth, and the same was seen in popular
music
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events
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 in the
age
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 range of 55 and above with 5%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, music, events, age, genre with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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