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Writing Samples
Band 4

Health experts say that walking is a good way to improve the health of the general public, but nowadays people are walking less than every before. What are the causes? What measures could be effective?

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Health has a significant role in human life. So, by some exercise like walking, they will have a normal life and improve it.
However
Linking Words
, in the early
days
Add a comma
days,
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people
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 don’t
walking
Change the verb form
walk
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/walk more than in the past. There are some causes why
people
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 are walking less and the effect of
this
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. Nowadays improving
transportation
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 led to
people
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 walking less that’s why in most countries public
transportation
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 is free, so
people
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 prefer to
use
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 it.
For instance
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, Australia is one of the countries which it has public
transportation
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 and
people
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 prefer to
use
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 it inside of walking.
Secondly
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, saving time for individuals
especially
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, especially
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 for employment and students time is important because
of
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apply
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they don’t prefer to walk to arrive at school or the office, so they want to
use
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 their own cars or public
transportation
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. The effect of
this
Linking Words
 case making a more professional
park
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. The
park
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 and its space are very important.
Moreover
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, if these parks
designed
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are designed
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 with the best quality like growing flowers around the
park
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 some chairs with tables and a special part for children
which
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in which
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 they can play. So,
people
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 walking around the
park
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make
Verb problem
apply
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feel relaxed and refreshed.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the government should increase the price of public transport or give advertising for
people
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 and encourage them to improve their walking. In conclusion, the cause of less walking which
people
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 prefer to
use
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 more public transport.
However
Linking Words
, by
increased
Change the form of the verb
increasing
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 of income
government
Correct article usage
the government
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con
Correct your spelling
can
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 encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to
walking
Change the verb form
walk
show examples
.

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that your essay answers all parts of the prompt thoroughly. In this essay, the causes and measures are discussed, but there could be more depth in explaining the impacts and additional realistic measures.
task achievement
Your ideas could be clearer and more comprehensive. Try to develop each main point in more detail, explaining the significance clearly.
task achievement
Use more relevant and specific examples to support your points. For instance, mentioning specific studies or statistics regarding walking habits or health benefits could strengthen your essay.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, improve the logical structure by making smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Each paragraph should flow logically into the next.
coherence cohesion
Your essay would benefit from a more elaborate introduction and conclusion. Ensure each paragraph connects to the next with clear linking words or phrases.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each main point is well-supported with evidence and examples to provide clarity and depth to your argument.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion which frame the essay well.
task achievement
You have identified and addressed the causes of people walking less and suggested measures to improve this situation, which shows good understanding of the task.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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