Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy? (Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.)

Many
people
say that having a lot of
money
bring
Correct subject-verb agreement
brings
show examples
happiness to
people
's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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. By being a rich
person
,
people
can buy everything they want and need and
having
Wrong verb form
have
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fun.
However
, there are
also
other
things
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
make
people
happy,
such
as
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
and family. In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
I will explain how
people
being
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
happy by
spend
Change the verb form
spending
show examples
their
money
and other
things
which bring
joyful
Replace the word
joy
show examples
. On the one hand,
currently
Add a comma
currently,
show examples
people
will always
changing
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change
be changing
show examples
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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and
looking
Change the verb form
look
be looking
show examples
for a job with the highest salary. By increasing
the
Change the word
their
show examples
earnings,
people
can buy not only objects but
also
subjects in a negative way.
Despite
Correct pronoun usage
Despite this
show examples
, a rich
person
can not buy a
person
to talk
and
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to and
show examples
fill their heart, and they usually feel lonely and do not have a good family and friends.
For instance
, a rich
person
can buy a luxury car, travel around the world, and in a negative way
also
can
Verb problem
apply
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pay for
people
to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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prostitute and many more.
On the other hand
, some
people
say that the most important
things
to have a happy life are
be
Fix the infinitive
to be
show examples
a healthy
person
and have someone close to them. If
people
get sick and pain
such
cancer
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as cancer
show examples
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
spend
much
Correct quantifier usage
a lot of
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money
to see a doctor.
Additionally
, it is important to have someone that close to a
person
to maintain their mental health.
For example
, it is really tough for a poor
person
to have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
food that
contain
Change the verb form
contains
show examples
a lot of nutrition.
Hence
, poor
people
will be so grateful if they have
an
Change the article
a
show examples
healthy body. In conclusion, having a lot of
money
is important but it is not a key to bring happiness. There are several
things
which can make
people
feel joy
such
as
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
and someone close to a
person
. So that, every
person
have their own way to be happy.
Submitted by innezgracias on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Work on organizing ideas more logically in each paragraph to develop a more coherent argument. Introduce and conclude each point effectively before moving on to the next.
Grammar
Proofread for grammatical errors and improve sentence structure. This will help convey ideas more clearly and make the essay easier to understand.
Task Response
Include more relevant examples and further elaborate on certain points to better support your arguments.
Examples
Expand on and integrate personal experiences or well-known scenarios to make your essay more relatable and convincing.
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the key elements of the prompt, discussing both the importance of money and other aspects like health and family in relation to happiness.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a good attempt to balance the discussion by presenting both sides of the argument – how money can buy happiness and its limitations.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Wealth
  • Affluence
  • Prosperity
  • Financial security
  • Opportunities
  • Options
  • Experiences
  • Enjoyment
  • Helping others
  • Generosity
  • Philanthropy
  • Achieving goals
  • Realizing dreams
  • Peace of mind
  • Reduced stress
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