Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy? (Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.)
Many
people
say that having a lot of Use synonyms
money
Use synonyms
bring
happiness to Correct subject-verb agreement
brings
people
's Use synonyms
life
. By being a rich Fix the agreement mistake
lives
person
, Use synonyms
people
can buy everything they want and need and Use synonyms
having
fun. Wrong verb form
have
However
, there are Linking Words
also
other Linking Words
things
Use synonyms
can
make Correct pronoun usage
that can
people
happy, Use synonyms
such
as Linking Words
healthy
and family. In Replace the word
health
this
Linking Words
essay
I will explain how Add a comma
essay,
people
Use synonyms
being
happy by Wrong verb form
are
spend
their Change the verb form
spending
money
and other Use synonyms
things
which bring Use synonyms
joyful
.
On the one hand, Replace the word
joy
currently
Add a comma
currently,
people
will always Use synonyms
changing
Change the verb form
change
be changing
job
and Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
looking
for a job with the highest salary. By increasing Change the verb form
look
be looking
the
earnings, Change the word
their
people
can buy not only objects but Use synonyms
also
subjects in a negative way. Linking Words
Despite
, a rich Correct pronoun usage
Despite this
person
can not buy a Use synonyms
person
to talk Use synonyms
and
fill their heart, and they usually feel lonely and do not have a good family and friends. Change preposition
to and
For instance
, a rich Linking Words
person
can buy a luxury car, travel around the world, and in a negative way Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
can
pay for Verb problem
apply
people
to Use synonyms
do
prostitute and many more.
Unnecessary verb
apply
On the other hand
, some Linking Words
people
say that the most important Use synonyms
things
to have a happy life are Use synonyms
be
a healthy Fix the infinitive
to be
person
and have someone close to them. If Use synonyms
people
get sick and pain Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
cancer
, Change preposition
as cancer
it
spend Correct pronoun usage
they
much
Correct quantifier usage
a lot of
money
to see a doctor. Use synonyms
Additionally
, it is important to have someone that close to a Linking Words
person
to maintain their mental health. Use synonyms
For example
, it is really tough for a poor Linking Words
person
to have Use synonyms
a
food that Correct article usage
apply
contain
a lot of nutrition. Change the verb form
contains
Hence
, poor Linking Words
people
will be so grateful if they have Use synonyms
an
healthy body.
In conclusion, having a lot of Change the article
a
money
is important but it is not a key to bring happiness. There are several Use synonyms
things
which can make Use synonyms
people
feel joy Use synonyms
such
as Linking Words
healthy
and someone close to a Replace the word
health
person
. So that, every Use synonyms
person
have their own way to be happy.Use synonyms
Submitted by innezgracias on
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Coherence and Cohesion
Work on organizing ideas more logically in each paragraph to develop a more coherent argument. Introduce and conclude each point effectively before moving on to the next.
Grammar
Proofread for grammatical errors and improve sentence structure. This will help convey ideas more clearly and make the essay easier to understand.
Task Response
Include more relevant examples and further elaborate on certain points to better support your arguments.
Examples
Expand on and integrate personal experiences or well-known scenarios to make your essay more relatable and convincing.
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the key elements of the prompt, discussing both the importance of money and other aspects like health and family in relation to happiness.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a good attempt to balance the discussion by presenting both sides of the argument – how money can buy happiness and its limitations.