IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy? (Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.)

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Many
people
Use synonyms
 say that having a lot of
money
Use synonyms
bring
Correct subject-verb agreement
brings
show examples
 happiness to
people
Use synonyms
's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. By being a rich
person
Use synonyms
,
people
Use synonyms
 can buy everything they want and need and
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 fun.
However
Linking Words
, there are
also
Linking Words
 other
things
Use synonyms
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
 make
people
Use synonyms
 happy,
such
Linking Words
 as
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
 and family. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will explain how
people
Use synonyms
being
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 happy by
spend
Change the verb form
spending
show examples
 their
money
Use synonyms
 and other
things
Use synonyms
 which bring
joyful
Replace the word
joy
show examples
. On the one hand,
currently
Add a comma
currently,
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 will always
changing
Change the verb form
change
be changing
show examples
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 and
looking
Change the verb form
look
be looking
show examples
 for a job with the highest salary. By increasing
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 earnings,
people
Use synonyms
 can buy not only objects but
also
Linking Words
 subjects in a negative way.
Despite
Correct pronoun usage
Despite this
show examples
, a rich
person
Use synonyms
 can not buy a
person
Use synonyms
 to talk
and
Change preposition
to and
show examples
 fill their heart, and they usually feel lonely and do not have a good family and friends.
For instance
Linking Words
, a rich
person
Use synonyms
 can buy a luxury car, travel around the world, and in a negative way
also
Linking Words
can
Verb problem
apply
show examples
pay for
people
Use synonyms
 to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
prostitute and many more.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 say that the most important
things
Use synonyms
 to have a happy life are
be
Fix the infinitive
to be
show examples
 a healthy
person
Use synonyms
 and have someone close to them. If
people
Use synonyms
 get sick and pain
such
Linking Words
cancer
Change preposition
as cancer
show examples
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 spend
much
Correct quantifier usage
a lot of
show examples
money
Use synonyms
 to see a doctor.
Additionally
Linking Words
, it is important to have someone that close to a
person
Use synonyms
 to maintain their mental health.
For example
Linking Words
, it is really tough for a poor
person
Use synonyms
 to have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
food that
contain
Change the verb form
contains
show examples
 a lot of nutrition.
Hence
Linking Words
, poor
people
Use synonyms
 will be so grateful if they have
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 healthy body. In conclusion, having a lot of
money
Use synonyms
 is important but it is not a key to bring happiness. There are several
things
Use synonyms
 which can make
people
Use synonyms
 feel joy
such
Linking Words
 as
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
 and someone close to a
person
Use synonyms
. So that, every
person
Use synonyms
 have their own way to be happy.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Work on organizing ideas more logically in each paragraph to develop a more coherent argument. Introduce and conclude each point effectively before moving on to the next.
Grammar
Proofread for grammatical errors and improve sentence structure. This will help convey ideas more clearly and make the essay easier to understand.
Task Response
Include more relevant examples and further elaborate on certain points to better support your arguments.
Examples
Expand on and integrate personal experiences or well-known scenarios to make your essay more relatable and convincing.
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the key elements of the prompt, discussing both the importance of money and other aspects like health and family in relation to happiness.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a good attempt to balance the discussion by presenting both sides of the argument – how money can buy happiness and its limitations.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Wealth
  • Affluence
  • Prosperity
  • Financial security
  • Opportunities
  • Options
  • Experiences
  • Enjoyment
  • Helping others
  • Generosity
  • Philanthropy
  • Achieving goals
  • Realizing dreams
  • Peace of mind
  • Reduced stress
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