IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy? (Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.)

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Many
people
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 believe that having a lot of
money
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 brings
happiness
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 to
people
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's lives. By being wealthy,
individuals
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 can buy everything they want and need, which can bring enjoyment.
However
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, there are other things that can make
people
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 happy,
such
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 as
health
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 and family. In
this
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 essay, I will explain how spending
money
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 can lead to
happiness
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 and explore other sources of joy. On the one hand, having a substantial amount of
money
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 allows
people
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 to purchase luxuries and experiences that can enhance their
happiness
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.
For instance
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, a wealthy person can buy luxury cars, travel around the world, and live in a beautiful home. These material possessions and experiences can bring a sense of satisfaction and enjoyment.
Additionally
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, financial security can reduce stress and provide a sense of stability, which contributes to
overall
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 well-being.
However
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,
while
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money
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 can buy many things, it cannot buy genuine
relationships
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 or good
health
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. Rich
individuals
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 often find themselves feeling lonely despite their wealth because
money
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 cannot purchase true friendship or love.
For example
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, a person might be able to afford lavish parties and pay for companionship, but these interactions are not based on genuine affection and can leave one feeling empty.
Furthermore
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,
health
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 is a crucial component of
happiness
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. Even with abundant wealth, a person suffering from a severe illness may not feel truly happy.
Health
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 issues can prevent
individuals
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 from enjoying their wealth, highlighting that
money
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 alone cannot guarantee
happiness
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.
Moreover
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, having close
relationships
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 with family and friends is essential for emotional well-being. These
relationships
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 provide support, love, and a sense of belonging, which are vital for mental
health
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.
People
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 who have strong social connections are generally happier and more satisfied with their lives.
For instance
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, spending quality time with loved ones, sharing experiences, and receiving emotional support during difficult times can bring immense joy and
fulfillment
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fulfilment
show examples
, which
money
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 alone cannot provide. In conclusion,
while
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 having a lot of
money
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 can contribute to
happiness
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 by allowing
individuals
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 to buy luxuries and reduce financial stress, it is not the sole key to a happy life. Good
health
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 and strong
relationships
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 are equally, if not more, important for achieving true
happiness
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.
Therefore
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,
people
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 should strive for a balance between financial success and nurturing their
health
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 and personal
relationships
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.

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coherence cohesion
Great job overall! Ensure that your paragraphs seamlessly transition into one another. While the essay is coherent, adding a few more transitional phrases could enhance the natural flow between points.
coherence cohesion
Be mindful to direct your conclusions directly to your arguments. Reinforce how the reasons you stated align with the conclusion.
task achievement
While your examples are relevant and strengthen the argument, be cautious not to rely too heavily on hypothetical examples. A mix of concrete real-world examples could further strengthen your points.
task achievement
Your essay comprehensively covers multiple aspects of the question, including how money can bring happiness and how other factors such as health and relationships are equally important. Well done!
task achievement
Each point is well-supported with relevant examples, making your arguments persuasive and anchored in real-world contexts.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This logical structure helps in understanding your points clearly and effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your writing displays a good balance, addressing both the benefits and limitations of money as a source of happiness.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Wealth
  • Affluence
  • Prosperity
  • Financial security
  • Opportunities
  • Options
  • Experiences
  • Enjoyment
  • Helping others
  • Generosity
  • Philanthropy
  • Achieving goals
  • Realizing dreams
  • Peace of mind
  • Reduced stress
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