IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

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Money is considered a significant factor in being happy. Despite the fact that money plays a vital role in our lives,
people
Use synonyms
 could have an enjoyable
life
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 without being wealthy.
Moreover
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, there are other means by which
people
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 can experience happiness.
To begin
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 with, I strongly believe that human beings can be happy even when they are not rich.
According to
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 statistical data, numerous
people
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 who live in developed countries believe that individuals who live in developing countries which are poorer areas have happier and more pleasurable lives.
In other words
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, possessing more financial budget could not be the primary factor in being happy over a lifetime.
In addition
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, there are myriad
people
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 from low-level countries who are satisfied in their lives when they can give other
people
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 a helping hand. The more
people
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 are assisted by them, the better feeling they have.
For instance
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, many patients have been visited by doctors who have been charitable in Africa.
After
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this
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 time all of them announced that they had a sense of pleasure which they had never had before.
As a result
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,
people
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 could be happy regardless of how much they possess. Having said that, there are other factors which play an important role in human feelings.
Firstly
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, having an excellent relationship could be a positive way of being happy. In
circumstances
Correct word choice
certain circumstances
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, humans avoid tension
as well as
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 conflict which should be taken into account to promote happiness.
According to
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 a survey which was conducted in Iran, many rich
people
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 feel depressed because they do not have a strong relationship.
Secondly
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, being positive and having positive insight could be effective in having pleasure time because
people
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 continuously think about plus points in
life
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 which leads to being happy.
Thus
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, the more they think about
plus
Correct article usage
the plus
show examples
 point of
life
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, the more energetic
life
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 they will have. In conclusion,
although
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 money could give
people
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 an opportunity to accomplish something to be happy. There are numerous factors which might be more vital for happiness. I personally take the view that job satisfaction
Add the comma(s)
, as well as decent family relationships,
show examples
as well as
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 decent family relationships are superior compared to financial position for having a more enjoyable
life
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.

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coherence cohesion
For logical structure, ensure that each paragraph contains a clear main idea and supports it consistently, the essay tends to meander slightly, which impacts the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument. Organize your thoughts more effectively by planning each paragraph before you begin writing.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present; however, they could be improved by clarifying the thesis statement and summarizing the main points more concisely. Work on sharpening the focus of your opening and closing statements for a stronger impact.
coherence cohesion
Main points are supported; however, providing more detailed and relevant examples would enhance their impact. Ensure that examples align closely with the points they support, and are detailed enough to convincingly illustrate the argument.
task achievement
You have addressed the task, but the response would benefit from deeper analysis. Expand on your points by providing further discussion about how and why money does not equate to happiness, and how other factors can be more influential.
task achievement
The ideas are clear, but greater comprehensiveness in your explanation of happiness factors other than money would improve the essay. Delve more into the nuances of the subject by considering a wider variety of viewpoints and evidence.
task achievement
Relevant examples were provided but lacked specificity and depth. To score higher, make use of specific, real-world examples that are directly relevant to the points being made, and discuss these examples in a way that powerfully supports your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Promoting happiness
  • Essential factors
  • Financial stability
  • Material wealth
  • Personal fulfillment
  • Contentment
  • Basic needs
  • Maslow's hierarchy of needs
  • Social connections
  • Pursuing passions
  • Well-being
  • Mental health
  • Spiritual practices
  • Personal growth
  • Community service
  • Societal contribution
  • Philanthropy
  • Joy
  • Satisfaction
  • Prosperity
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