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Band 6

It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#schoolchildren #history #world
In
this
 day and age, it is a common belief that teaching
students
 local
history
 is an indispensable and important part.
However
, I firmly believe that learning
world
history
 is
also
 a way to help
students
 better understand the outside
world
. will shed light on my opinion in the following essay.  On the one hand, Learning local
history
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
students
 better understand the process of forming the country.
Firstly
, Learning national
history
 provides a deep understanding of a community
students
 will better understand the origins, development and important events that have shaped their local community.
For example
, In Hue
students
 can learn about the origin and meaning of the Hue Festival, a major cultural event that takes place every two years to
honor
Change the spelling
honour
show examples
 Hue's royal and folk culture.
Furthermore
, Studying Vietnamese
history
 helps
students
 understand the country's development through historical periods. They will learn about important figures who contributed to the creation of Vietnamese identity and culture.
On the other hand
, Learning
world
history
 is
also
 a part of helping
students
 become more aware of the
world
.
In addition
,
students
 will gain a comprehensive view of the development of civilizations and cultures around the
world
.
This
 will help broaden their understanding and vision of the diversity and richness of humanity.
Besides
, International
history
 helps
students
 better understand important events and global trends that have led to the industrial revolution, and challenges
such
 as climate change and international conflicts.
To sum up
, learning local
history
 is an indispensable part of preserving national identity.
However
,
world
history
also
 helps
students
 understand the
world
 more deeply.
Submitted by quynhtranhbh on

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coherence cohesion
Your introduction should ideally outline the points you intend to discuss in your essay. As it stands, it hints at both sides but could be clearer in setting up the main arguments to come.
coherence cohesion
While you have organized your points well, there are some minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasings. Consider proofreading to improve readability.
task achievement
The essay could benefit from more specific examples and detailed explanations to support your points, especially in the sections discussing world history.
coherence cohesion
You have clearly structured paragraphs, each focusing on a distinct aspect of the topic, which shows good organization.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points without simply reiterating them verbatim from the introduction and body paragraphs.
task achievement
You have a balanced perspective, acknowledging the importance of both local and world history and covering both sides well.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • heritage
  • cultural identity
  • ancestry
  • traditions
  • globalization
  • empathy
  • contemporary issues
  • integrate
  • perspective
  • civilization
  • diversity
  • innovations
  • historical significance
  • nationalism
  • cosmopolitanism
  • historiography
  • geopolitical
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