IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Governments should spend more money on education than on recreation and sports. Do you agree or disagree?

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The government bears the responsibility to prioritize certain fields over others in order to improve their
country
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. Some people believe that
education
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 needs government investment more than entertainment and fitness. I largely support
this
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 view, as
education
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 can provide better long-term benefits through the improvement of job prospects and a harmonious societal life. Improving recreation and sports facilities in a
country
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 can indeed drive economic growth by attracting tourists who spend money locally.
However
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, in countries with a high population of poor and uneducated families, the benefits of these facilities might be limited to certain groups and could eventually be controlled by higher authorities, making it difficult for locals to compete.
For example
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, in Bali, an increasing number of residents are leaving the island
due to
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 high prices driven by tourists with stronger currencies.
This
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 economic disparity often puts a strain on local residents, causing them to leave the area and threatening the preservation of local traditions and cultural practices.
Thus
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, the government should find other subjects that benefit all residents to improve the
country
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 as a whole,
such
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 as
education
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.
Education
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 is one of the most crucial factors that determines the success of a
country
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. Investing in
education
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 yields myriad long-term benefits for the public as it directly improves job prospects and enhances societal value.
For instance
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, Singapore, with its higher
education
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 standards, enjoys elevated salaries and an improved quality of life compared to Indonesia, where
education
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 levels are lower.
Moreover
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, through knowledge acquisition, people would exposed to the concept of diversity and positive values
such
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 as tolerance and equality, contributing to a more harmonious societal fabric. In summary, I strongly believe that to enhance a nation's well-being, governments should prioritize investing in
education
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 over recreation and sports, especially in countries with numerous impoverished areas.
Education
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 not only improves individuals' future prospects but
also
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 fosters a happier societal life. I urge governments worldwide to prioritize
education
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 and allocate significant investments towards it.

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task achievement
Ensure that all points are adequately supported with relevant examples. While the Bali example was pertinent, more examples in different contexts can strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
A slightly clearer summary in the conclusion would strengthen your essay. Currently, the conclusion restates the main argument, but a reiteration of key points would enhance clarity.
task achievement
The essay directly addresses the prompt, presenting a clear standpoint on the issue and providing well-rounded arguments to support the viewpoint.
coherence cohesion
Ideas are logically structured and flow smoothly from one paragraph to the next. The essay employs appropriate transitions and maintains coherence throughout.
task achievement
The essay employs pertinent examples and comparisons, such as those between Singapore and Indonesia, to underscore the value of education, increasing the overall persuasiveness of the argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • fundamental
  • workforce
  • fosters
  • innovation
  • inequality
  • circumstances
  • outcomes
  • hygiene
  • private sector
  • initiatives
  • engaged
  • stability
  • cohesion
  • national pride
  • economic development
  • societal progress
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