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Band 7

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
Due to
 the development of technology,many people argue that many children spend all of their time using smart devices
such
 as phones.The factor which leads to
this
 phenomenon is the attraction of social platforms and the writer concedes
this
 is a negative trend because of the effect on their health. One of the core reasons for
this
 trend is the attractiveness of social media.To be more specific, on social platforms, there is a variety of content that can easily catch up to trendy
while
 teenagers tend not to want to become old-fashioned.
As a result
,more time spent on the phone may shoot up.
Additionally
, on social networking websites, users can know the daily lives of their friends through the posts which their friends upload on social.
For instance
,in the USA where telegram is the dominant app,there is a survey of the reason why many teenagers use telegram, the vote was all about the appeal of the telegraph.
Consequently
, the time using summons increased up to 35% compared to 2019.
On the other hand
,addiction may be one of the elements that make
this
 trend become detrimental.To be more clear, prolonged exposure to smartphone screens poses significant health risks, including the development of vision impairments
such
 as short-sightedness
due to
 extended periods of staring at screens.
Moreover
, the sedentary lifestyle encouraged by excessive smartphone use can contribute to obesity and overweight conditions among children.
Secondly
, the pervasive presence of smartphones in children’s lives negatively impacts academic performance, as children may struggle to maintain focus on their studies.
This
 smart object abuse can lead to incomplete homework assignments, and ultimately poorer academic outcomes. Taking everything into account,the reason why many teenagers spend many hours on social media is the allure
however
this
 tendency is negative
due to
 the health effects.
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grammar
Work on sentence structure and grammar to enhance clarity. For example, 'the factor which leads to this phenomenon is the attraction of social platforms and the writer concedes this is a negative trend because of the effect on their health' could be clearer if rephrased.
cohesion
Improve the use of transitional phrases to ensure smoother shifts between ideas. For instance, 'On the other hand' should be used when contrasting, but the statement that follows does not directly contrast with the previous point.
task achievement
Expand on specific examples and provide more in-depth analysis to support your points. The example given about Telegram lacks specific details on how it contributes to prolonged smartphone use.
introduction conclusion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly presented, framing the essay effectively.
logical structure
Main points are logically introduced and generally well-supported.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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