IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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Nowadays, more
children
Use synonyms
 waste hours on their gadgets. From my point of view,
this
Linking Words
 is the negative development which leads to
isolation
Use synonyms
 and illness
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 some organs of
children
Use synonyms
. One severe problem, that can occur
in
Change preposition
as
show examples
 a result of spending time on
smartphones
Use synonyms
 is
isolation
Use synonyms
. Watching videos and playing mobile games on
smartphones
Use synonyms
 every day is a reason for
isolation
Use synonyms
.
Children
Use synonyms
 must enhance their social skills by socializing with other people
instead
Linking Words
 of scrolling up phones. If a child ameliorates teamwork skills and
able
Add a missing verb
is able
show examples
 to collaborate and negotiate with other
children
Use synonyms
 unlikely to be isolated.
Isolation
Use synonyms
as followed
Add the comma(s)
, as followed,
show examples
 produces depression and uncertain
demeanor
Change the spelling
demeanour
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 who are growing as individuals. So, it would be the pathway of
intricated
Add an article
the intricated
an intricated
show examples
 maze which is directed to the pile of trouble. Another issue is that watching
smartphones
Use synonyms
many
Change preposition
for many
show examples
 hours can be risky because of backlash to the parts of
organism
Add an article
the organism
an organism
show examples
.
In other words
Linking Words
, organs
such
Linking Words
 as eyes and spin
lost
Wrong verb form
lose
show examples
 their ability to work well. They do not understand the negative effects of
smartphones
Use synonyms
 and
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 role. It is concerning not just for themselves
of
Correct your spelling
or
show examples
Use synonyms
children
Correct pronoun usage
their children
show examples
, it is a big problem for parents too. Curing them requires a high price and a long time.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the elements of illness in childhood will remain in the following years and they will have to rehabilitate the insufficient sides of the physiognomy. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 it has become normal for
children
Use synonyms
utilize
Fix the infinitive
to utilize
show examples
 telephones many hours,
Linking Words
although
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it has too many problems and
showing
Wrong verb form
shows
show examples
 more negative expectations.
Submitted by mr.jailybaev on

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task achievement
Your main points are clear, but you could provide more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. For instance, you could mention specific studies or statistics related to the impact of excessive smartphone use on children's social skills and health.
coherence cohesion
Try to provide more detailed explanations and link your ideas more cohesively. For example, you could have separate paragraphs for each main point with clear topic sentences and supporting details.
coherence cohesion
Improving your grammar and vocabulary would enhance clarity. For instance, 'watching smartphones many hours' is better stated as 'spending many hours on smartphones,' and 'the pathway of intricated maze' could be simplified to 'a complicated path.'
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure with a clear introduction and conclusion, and you have addressed the prompt's questions directly.
task achievement
You have identified two major issues (isolation and health risks) and attempted to elaborate on them, which shows a good understanding of the task.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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