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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believes that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

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A vast majority of people think that engaging in a competitive
environment
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such
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 as the workplace, educational centre, and in our everyday life is a good practice,
while
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 others think being in a collaborative
environment
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 is better. In my opinion, I believe that a collaborative
environment
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 promotes a supportive relationship,
while
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competition
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 can motivate innovation and productivity. On the one hand,
competition
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 at
work
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 can drive innovation and productivity, as employees strive to excel and outperform their peers.
This
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 can lead to better results and advancements within a company.
For example
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, at Mackay Regional Council, civil engineers staff were told that the greatest idea to solve stormwater drainage issues would be presented with a certain amount of money,
this
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 led a lot of staff to develop multiple solutions to the tasks, thereby resulting in several methods to treating the drainage issues.
Hence
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, healthy
competition
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 can help get a task done at a faster speed.
On the other hand
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, cooperation at
work
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 can lead to a more harmonious and supportive
work
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environment
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, where employees share knowledge and skills to achieve common goals.Cooperation can
also
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 enhance relationships and build a sense of community, making it easier to achieve collective goals.
For instance
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, a group of students achieved the highest mark in a class project, they were able to do
this
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 because each individual contributed different ideas to achieve the aim of the project.
Therefore
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, people should learn to cooperate in other to create positive growth. In conclusion,I believe both arguments have their merits.
However
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, cooperation at the workplace enhances global prosperity, productivity, efficiency, and a positive
environment
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,
while
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competition
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 can help develop strong
work
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 ethics.

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Coherence and Cohesion
The essay should maintain a clear and consistent logical structure throughout. Ensure smoother transitions between points to enhance the logical flow of ideas.
Task Achievement
Expand each paragraph slightly more to provide deeper insights and fully develop each point. This can make your response more comprehensive and clear.
Coherence and Cohesion
Avoid minor grammatical errors and slight inaccuracies in word choice which can detract from the professionalism of the piece.
Task Achievement
The essay addresses both views on the topic and provides a balanced argument.
Task Achievement
Use of specific examples, such as the Mackay Regional Council and a group of students, effectively supports main points.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame the essay well.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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