IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that it is beneficial for children to do paid work, while others think it can be harmful for children. Do the advantage outweight disadvantage?

#people #children #work #advantage #outweight
The debate
surround
Wrong verb form
surrounding
show examples
 leading young
children
do
Fix the infinitive
to do
show examples
 some paid
work
 is a noteworthy discussion. Some people believe that it is
benefical
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 for
children
while
 others think it is harmful for them. In
this
 essay's argument, the benefit of
this
 statement is
outweighted
Correct your spelling
outweighed
 by the drawback because of their lacking experience. It is easy to understand that young
children
 want to have
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 independent life soon by making
money
 as soon as possible. To explain,
children
's passion is really strong, they always want to prove themself to have an income nowadays.
Additionally
, If they get
money
 from their job through many
hard-
Correct your spelling
hard work
show examples
work
 days,
these
Change the determiner
this money
show examples
money
 will be very meaningful.
For example
,
children
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the age of 15-17
also
finding
Wrong verb form
find
show examples
work
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
convenient
Replace the word
convenience
show examples
store
Fix the agreement mistake
stores
show examples
 to have more salary for continuing studying or even
entertain
Replace the word
entertainment
show examples
.
As a result
, living with their own
money
 can make them become more mature and
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not rely on their family. Far away from benefits,
due to
 the fact that they are too young and do not have much
experiences
Fix the agreement mistake
experience
show examples
 to start working.
This
 is because almost
teenagers
Correct determiner usage
all teenagers
show examples
 start doing
work
 in a pressured situation. Another possible issue is that the time
children
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 working prevents them from focusing on their school
work
. Having a good education is the key to a successful future so being employed as a child can result in poor academic performance which can be harmful in the long run.
For instance
, they have to study and
work
 at the same time,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 leads to their quality of
work
 and
also
 study
be
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 affected negatively.
As a consequence
, their time management will be uncontrolled.
Although
 there are many positive effects of
this
 statement
such
 as helping parents and
prove
Wrong verb form
proving
show examples
 their ability, the reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 lacking experience totally
outweight
Correct your spelling
outweigh
outweighs
 the advantages.
Submitted by [email protected] on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The introduction provides a general overview of the topic, but there are grammatical errors that make it slightly unclear. Revise to improve clarity.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the essay consistently stays on-topic. The second body paragraph drifts slightly when it discusses the passion of the children rather than focusing on the advantages and disadvantages specifically.
task achievement
Develop your main points with more detailed examples and elaborate on how these examples support your argument. For instance, provide more context on how working impacts teenagers' education.
coherence cohesion
Work on transitioning smoothly between ideas and paragraphs. The essay can feel disjointed at times.
task achievement
Avoid unnecessary repetition and ensure that each sentence adds new information or insight.
task achievement
Your essay presents clear viewpoints on both sides of the argument, which is essential for a balanced discussion.
coherence cohesion
You offer both benefits and drawbacks concisely, making it easier for the reader to follow your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: