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Band 6

In a number of countries, some people think it is necessary to spend large sum of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities. Others believe that the money should be spent on improving existing public transport. Discuss both point of view and give your own opinion.

#countries #people #sum #money #railway #lines #trains #cities #transport #point
Some citizens across the globe
thought
Wrong verb form
think
show examples
 that the development of a fast train system connecting two
cities
 is essential,
while
 others believe that the expenditure should be relocated
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the refurbishment of current public transport. In
this
 essay, I will give an explanation of both views
while
also
 including my own opinion. Recently, the construction of fast trains has been implemented in several big
cities
 in many nations. Usually,
this
 technology is needed to connect two
cities
 that have routine visitors from both sides. Because of
this
, regular passengers can have an alternative option to visit the other town without having to worry about the trip duration.
For example
, it is common knowledge that
people
 from Jakarta and Bandung visit other
cities
 regularly.
Hence
, the government constructed a fast train connecting both
cities
 and now, it is routinely used because of its speed.
However
, I think that
this
 establishment can be very costly, and the benefits are limited. The benefits of public transportation must be felt by not only privileged
people
 but all citizens
needs
Correct subject-verb agreement
need
show examples
 to get a taste of it.
Instead
 of spending a lot of money to build an expensive facility in one area, it is better to optimize existing facilities so that more
people
 can use them. Take Jakarta for an example; the budget to refurbish the existing public vehicle is very cheap compared to the total funds for the reconstruction of new railway lines. In conclusion,
although
 the procurement of fast trains
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 many advantages for some
people
,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that the
optimalization
Correct your spelling
optimization
 of current public transport is more efficient and useful for the
populations
Fix the agreement mistake
population
show examples
.
Submitted by Azami on

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task achievement
Your essay presents both views and offers a clear opinion, which is essential for achieving a high Task Response score. However, for an even higher score, ensure that all examples and arguments are thoroughly developed and relevant. For instance, provide more specific data or scenarios where public transport refurbishment benefited a larger population.
coherence cohesion
The essay generally follows a clear and logical structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. To improve coherence, make sure to use transitional phrases to create smoother connections between sentences and paragraphs. For example, 'Moreover,' 'In addition,' and 'On the other hand' can help make the text flow more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-crafted, providing a clear overview and summary of the essay's main points.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples to support your points, particularly the example of the Jakarta-Bandung fast train, which helps to illustrate the potential benefits and drawbacks of such projects.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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