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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the hours per week that teenagers spend doing certain activities in Chester from 2002 to 2007.

The bar chart below shows the hours per week that teenagers spend doing certain activities in Chester from 2002 to 2007.
#bar #hours #week #teenagers #activities #chester
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The bar chart illustrates the
teenagers
Use synonyms
 spent their
time
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
doing certain activities by
hours
Use synonyms
 each week in Chester between 2002 and 2007.
Overall
Linking Words
, the most preferable activity in the given
time
Use synonyms
period
Use synonyms
 was watching television
while
Linking Words
 bowling was the least favorite.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, watching television, going to pubs/discos and shopping showed an increase in the
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of
hours
Use synonyms
 spent on these activities over the
period
Use synonyms
whereas
Linking Words
 other activities showed a decrease in
hours
Use synonyms
,
exept
Correct your spelling
except
 watching DVDs, it
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
showed a
fluctuate
Change the verb form
fluctuating
show examples
 trend.
To begin
Linking Words
with
Add a comma
with,
show examples
 watching television,
teenagers
Use synonyms
 spent exactly 25
hours
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
Linking Words
 activity in 2002 which increased to almost 40
hours
Use synonyms
 in 2007. In
given
Add an article
the given
show examples
time
Use synonyms
period
Use synonyms
, both going to pubs/discos and shopping dramatically increased more than double, from around 5 to just over 15 and from about 5 to exactly 15 respectively.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
teenagers
Use synonyms
 spent 10
hours
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
doing homework in 2002,
this
Linking Words
 figure decreased
just
Change preposition
to just
show examples
 over 5
hours
Use synonyms
 in 2007. Doing sport dropped significantly from 10
hours
Use synonyms
 to about 3
hours
Use synonyms
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, bowling was under 5
hours
Use synonyms
 in
entire
Add an article
the entire
an entire
show examples
time
Use synonyms
period
Use synonyms
 and it fell slightly
around
Change preposition
to around
show examples
 3
hours
Use synonyms
 in the final year.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, watching DVDs showed
Correct article usage
a fluctuated
show examples
fluctuated
Wrong verb form
fluctuating
show examples
 trend and the number of
hours
Use synonyms
 that
teenagers
Use synonyms
 spent on
this
Linking Words
 activity started
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 around 10
hours
Use synonyms
 and
similarly
Linking Words
 finished with exactly 10
hours
Use synonyms
, but it reached a peak of over 15
hours
Use synonyms
 in 2004 and 2005.
Submitted by svdnruslu on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "furthermore".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words teenagers, time, hours, period with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "numbers of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "fluctuate" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "just over" was used 2 times.
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