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Band 5.5

The average household expenditures in Japan and Malaysia

#household #expenditures #japan #malaysia
The pie charts illustrate the average expense of residents from 2 countries in Asean during 2015.
Overall
, it can be seen that the percentage of citizens’ average spending in most categories in Japan was higher than in
Malaysia
, with the exception of food and housing.
Additionally
, the highest and lowest average expense of citizens was seen in housing and health care in
Malaysia
. Beginning with transport, the proportion of average spending of Malaysians stood at 20%,
while
 the figure for Japanese was less than double at 10%. In terms of health care, the average expense percentage in Japan doubled that of
Malaysia
 at 6% and 3%, respectively. Concerning other goods and services, the data for Japanese witnessed 29%,
whereas
 Malaysian accounted for 26%. Turning to the remaining categories where Malaysians spent most of their expenses on housing which stood at the highest percentage at 34%,
while
 the figure for Japanese was much lower at 21%. Regarding food, there was a small difference between the proportion of average spending in
Malaysia
 and Japan recorded at 27% and 24%.
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coherence and cohesion
Your essay could benefit from having a clearer conclusion to summarize the main points discussed.
task response
There are a few minor grammatical issues that, if corrected, could improve clarity, such as the phrase 'less than double.' Consider rephrasing it to 'half' in the context 'while the figure for Japanese was half, at 10%.'
task response
You have successfully compared and contrasted the data for both countries, which shows a good understanding of the task.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure that makes the data easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
You used a variety of sentence structures, which keeps the essay interesting and engaging.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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