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Band 5.5

besity was once considered a disease of adults; however, it is becoming increasingly common among children. Why do you think this is happening? What can be done to help children stay healthy?

#besity #disease #adults #children
In the
last
 few years, there has been a faster growth in the percentage of people suffering from obesity, which affects the entire health system. I almost completely differ in what some individuals believe that the best solution to
this
mattes
Correct your spelling
matter
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 could be found in schools, by scheduling more hours of Physical Education for the students. If the solution to
overweight
Add an article
the overweight
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 problem were as simple as adding hours of physical activities to the
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
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 curriculum, I am sure that
this
 problem would have been eradicated a long time ago,
,
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apply
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but the truth is that the real root of that matter goes much deeper and in order to fix it, it is necessary to take more aspects into account.
Therefore
, my point of view is that
,
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apply
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 a closer look into the daily lives of the students must be taken, because most of the time,
this
 disorder is caused by problems related to mental health, and very often schools do not have the capacity to attend to these needs. Undoubtedly, there are others
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 believe that the problem would be solved by doing extra activities that require more physical effort.
That is
 the opinion of my sister, who does not believe that there is a real connection between our minds and our bodies. In conclusion,
overweight
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being overweight
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 is a real epidemic
that is
 affecting our everyday
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 and it brings awful consequences, but I
also
 think that there are many causes
as well as
 possible solutions. We need to start fighting together against obesity as soon as possible.
Submitted by otiyog on

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task achievement
To strengthen your essay, ensure that your ideas are fully developed. You can provide more specific examples and details to support your points, especially when discussing mental health's link to obesity. This will make your argument more compelling and credible.
coherence cohesion
Although your essay is logically structured, some sentences could be more clearly articulated to improve coherence. Simplify complex sentences and ensure that the subject and verb agreement are correct to make your ideas clearer.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, creating a solid structure for your argument.
logical structure
You have a logical progression of ideas throughout the essay, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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