Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development

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this

Linking Words

technology era, we are facing the fact that some

children

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consume most of their time with their devices.

This

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issue is inevitable because now all human

activities

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are closely related

with

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show examples

Use synonyms

smartphone

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smartphones

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. Though having a tech-savvy generation is a positive development, I believe that the drawbacks for

children

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with gadgets outweigh the

benefit

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benefits

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. First and foremost,

this

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phenomenon

arise

Wrong verb form

has arisen

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because there

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has been

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shifting

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shift

show examples

in social culture and lifestyle in the past few years.

Human's

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Humans

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now socialize with each other through online

platform

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platforms

show examples

, including students.

For instance

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, aside from the school, they

also

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maintain their friendship through social messaging.

Moreover

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, during the covid pandemic which obliged students to study from home, they are

urge

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urged

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to have gadgets in order to follow the learning properly.

Eventhough

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Even though

there is a considerable benefit of having

generation

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a generation

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that is

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familiar with technology,

children

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have a short golden era. That's the

parents

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parent's

parents'

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task to foster their

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children

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children's

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time with purposeful

activities

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and experiences

instead

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For example

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, outdoor

activities

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which

Correct pronoun usage

apply

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stimulate their physical abilities.

Additionally

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, social media could distract their

activities

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, mainly studying. Addiction to

smartphone

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feature

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features

show examples

such

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as social media, will lead to

proscatination

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procrastination

and easily blur their focus on school.

To conclude

Linking Words

Correct article usage

the techology

show examples

techology

Correct your spelling

technology

era with

massive

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the massive

show examples

use of

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smartphone

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smartphones

show examples

cannot be

hinder

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hindered

show examples

. How

children

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socialize nowadays has

shift

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shifted

show examples

a bit to online

platform

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platforms

show examples

However

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, parents need to engage them

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show examples

screen-less

activities

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more to maximize their

self development

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self-development

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and keep them away from

unecessary

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unnecessary

distractions, that might produced by

excessive

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the excessive

show examples

use of

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smartphone

Fix the agreement mistake

smartphones

show examples

Submitted by pocutarifahzahrina on Tue May 28 2024

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coherence cohesion

Your essay can benefit from slightly more organized paragraphs. Group ideas clearly and ensure that each paragraph conveys one main idea.

task achievement

Ensure that all ideas are fully developed using specific and clear examples. For instance, you mentioned the shift in social culture but did not provide concrete examples or statistics to support this.

coherence cohesion

Your essay has a clear introduction and a strong conclusion that tie back to the main topic.

task achievement

You addressed both parts of the question effectively, explaining why children spend hours on smartphones and evaluating whether this is positive or negative.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

11
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
28
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

251 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

smartphones
usage
technology
accessibility
convenience
entertainment
gaming
social media
communication
educational resources
addiction
dependence
negative effects
physical health
mental health

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