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Band 5

The movement of people from agriculture areas to big cites has caused many problems at both places. What are the reasons for this problem and how can it be solved.

#movement #people #agriculture #areas #places
In recent years, there has been a shift in population from the agricultural regions to the metropolitan
areas
, posing huge challenges to both places.
This
 essay will shed
lights
Fix the agreement mistake
light
show examples
 on the possible reasons for
such
trend
Correct article usage
a trend
show examples
, and discuss the potential solutions for
this
 matter. Nowadays, many
people
 deem lives in the big cities as full of job opportunities with higher incomes. In fact, various large organisations establish their offices and headquarters in the metropolitan.
Such
 movements create more jobs and career
developement
Correct your spelling
development
 chances for ambitious
people
.
Hence
,
people
 are attracted to move closer to the cities with
hope
Add an article
the hope
show examples
 of getting better jobs and earning higher
income
Fix the agreement mistake
incomes
show examples
.
Moreover
, with the advances
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 technologies and good sources of funding, the urban
areas
 usually have better infrastructure and facilities, including
high tier
Add a hyphen
high-tier
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 hospitals, various schools and colleges,and recreational facilities
such
 as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cinemas or
sport
Change the noun form
sports
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 arenas.
Hence
, it would be more convenient
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 raise a family in a big city as it provides
advantageous
Add an article
an advantageous
the advantageous
show examples
 environment for nurturing children. One of the possible solutions could be updating the landscape of the rural
areas
, by building
new
Correct article usage
a new
show examples
 traffic system, allowing companies to expand their business there.
Moreover
, better urban planning should be instilled to allow new living
neighbourhood
Fix the agreement mistake
neighbourhoods
show examples
 surrounded by hospitals and other entertaining buildings to be constructed, encouraging the citizenry to settle there. In conclusion, to seek higher income and better living conditions, the movement of the population from rural
areas
 to urban
areas
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 engendered problems for both places. By updating the infrastructure of those agricultural
areas
, the government could encourage
people
 to stay in their
areas
instead
 of moving.
Submitted by kimtruong270192 on

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task achievement
You provided a comprehensive response and covered multiple aspects of the issue. However, adding more specific examples could enrich your essay. For instance, you could mention particular cities or countries where this trend is evident, or specific policies that have been successful.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas are mostly clear and logical. Structuring your argument a bit more clearly by using paragraphs to separate different points can improve readability. For example, make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and sticks to it.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay, which is key to maintaining a focused response.
task achievement
You did well in addressing different facets of the problem and proposing a solution, demonstrating a clear understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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