The government should control the Internet to reduce cyber crime and ensure safety of users. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Nowadays, technology can support our activities
such
as working, playing games, and also
communicating with family. On the other hand
, technology has a negative impact, especially on cyber crime
and the safety of users. Personally, I totally agree with the statement that the Correct your spelling
cybercrime
government
should be aware about
the technology.
First and foremost, the Change the preposition
of
Internet
has an abundance of issues such
as cybercrime and the safety of users because Internet
users apply personal data
for registration, especially social media registration. Moreover
, the data
can be using
by other people because the security is unsafe. So, the Change the form of the verb
used
government
should be aware of personal data
protection in
the Change preposition
on
internet
. For instance
, the government
have to excellent system to protect personal data
For
the Change preposition
apply
government
has regulations about the accessibility to use internet
and also
has security in the registration methods.
On the other hand
, safety can come from their person because they are
should be aware Unnecessary verb
apply
about
how to save their Change the preposition
of
account
and protect their personal data
. For example
, some students has
a group of friends and they believe that the Change the verb form
have
account
Add a verb
account is
account was
more safe
when they share their Replace the words
safer
account
. In fact, it is a dangerous problem because their friends can access all personal data
and can use it for other activities, such
as buying a smartphone using their friend's account
. So, the government
can not control this
issue.
To conclude
, the government
can create regulations to protect personal data
and reduce cyber security but the government
can control citizen accounts. So, they should be aware about
their personal accounts.Change the preposition
of
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task achievement
You have presented a clear position on the topic and supported it with relevant arguments. However, there are a few grammar and punctuation errors that slightly affect readability. Consider proofreading your essay for minor language issues.
task achievement
Try to develop your ideas more comprehensively and provide more specific examples where applicable. This will make your argument stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is generally well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, ensure that all parts of your essay are equally well-developed and that transitions between paragraphs are smooth.
coherence cohesion
Improve the transitions between ideas and sentences to make your essay flow more smoothly. This will enhance the coherence and cohesion of your writing.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which is good for readability.
task achievement
You have addressed the task well by discussing both government responsibilities and individual responsibilities for internet safety.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.
Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
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