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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Most countries aim to improve their standard of living through economic development, but many important social values can be lost as a result Do the advantages of economic development outweigh the disadvantages?

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Whether or not countries should develop their living standard by economic development is now a debate. The writer,
however
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, advocates that the benefits of enhancing educational background
along with
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 reducing the unemployment rate totally outweigh the cost of widening the rich gap. It must be acknowledged that the improvements in the economy can act as an incentive for
education
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.
That is
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 to say, a nation with a solid financial background will allocate to various aspects of
citizen’s
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citizens’
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 lives, and their main focus is on
education
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 as
education
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 is the main way to gain fundamental knowledge required for
further
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 demands in the workspace.
Therefore
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, without
education
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, countries can not develop their specific aims in the economy, leading to a cease in the financial output.
As a consequence
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, nations will distribute more in educational status, meaning that more
people
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 are able to get access to study. Another point that should be taken into consideration is to reduce the rate of unemployment. To be more specific, economic enhancement parallels job prospects as citizens will have more money to find their own business, which needs employees to maintain and improve.
This
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 leads to a phenomenon that jobless individuals can seek a suitable occupation,
thus
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, they will have money to manage their own lives
along with
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 their family. Take Japan as an example where numerous
people
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 can get rid of joblessness owing to small companies established by dwellers. Some
skeptics
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sceptics
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,
nevertheless
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, contend that the rich gap between
people
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 will become noticeable.
This
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 belief is based on the fact that the rich will always be rich in the financial market because of their solid position in the financial market
while
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 the unprivileged ones are unable to maintain a decent revenue as the unpredictable changes in daily lives
such
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 as pandemics or bankrupt that they cannot manage
due to
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 the lack of financial background.
This
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 point may be credible, but authorities nowadays have a policy to subsidize
people
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 with basic needs
such
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 as accommodations, travel, and finances so that
people
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 can fully focus on earning money, leading to an increase in
overall
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 rise in the economy of one city.
To conclude
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, the benefits of getting access to
education
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 and increasing job opportunities outweigh the drawbacks of the rich gap becoming bigger.
Hence
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,
this
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 essay should have shown that it is more beneficial to improve economic status.

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clarity
Try to refine some of the arguments for better clarity. For example, the explanation of how economic development leads to better education could be more concise and precise.
readability
Simplify some of the complex sentences to improve readability. Breaking down long sentences into shorter ones can help convey your ideas more clearly.
structure
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea that is supported throughout. For example, the paragraph on unemployment could be better aligned to stress its connection to economic development.
examples
The essay provides relevant and specific examples, like the mention of Japan, which help illustrate the points made.
structure
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs focusing on specific points, and a conclusion.
arguments
The arguments presented are mostly logical and relevant to the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • standard of living
  • economic development
  • quality of life
  • infrastructure
  • healthcare
  • education
  • job opportunities
  • unemployment
  • poverty
  • technological advancements
  • innovation
  • traditional cultural values
  • social bonds
  • material wealth
  • consumerism
  • social inequality
  • environmental conservation
  • wealth gap
  • vulnerable groups
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