Individual greed and selfishness have been the basis of modern society. Some people think that we must return to older more traditional values such as respect for the and the local community in order to create a better world to live in.

I agree to an extent in terms of selfishness not being a positive trait;
however
, greed is not necessarily a trait that should be viewed in a bad light. Greed plays a major role in many of the inventions we use on
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
daily. A
scientist
Change noun form
scientist's
show examples
greed for achievement might result in a cure for cancer.
Furthermore
, greed as a word is viewed positively in different languages
such
as Arabic and Korean as the drive for success.   That being said, society functions on the collective efforts of individuals;
therefore
, greed and selfishness should not distribute the community's peace. The best interest of the group should be held in higher regard. Some may argue that personal freedom is more important than adhering to the needs of society, but
that is
proven false. A good representation of
this
argument is how countries that enforced a lockdown during COVID-19 were able to keep the number of patients low and control the spread. These countries were able to snap back to normal lives quicker than countries that chose to allow individual freedoms.
In addition
to the above, the concept of what a good or bad value is subjective.
For instance
, honesty is viewed well but it may be seen as rudeness in different contexts. Older more traditional has been lost through the years
due to
one reason or another.    
Overall
, we have witnessed in history books that regardless of the values, no perfect country exists.
While
a balance between individualism and communism is important, the lack of greed would not create a utopia.
Submitted by najlaa.alshahwani on

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task achievement
Your essay provides clear and comprehensive ideas, but there are some areas where your points could benefit from further elaboration. For instance, while you mention that greed is viewed positively in Arabic and Korean languages, providing examples or studies could strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
There are some inconsistencies and minor grammatical errors in your essay. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and the use of tenses. For example, 'greed should not distribute the community’s peace' should be 'disrupt' instead of 'distribute.'
supported main points
Try to ensure that all main points are fully supported and more evenly balanced. Adding more detailed examples and explanations can increase the overall persuasiveness of your argument.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay starts with a clear stance on the given topic, which helps in setting the direction for the reader.
logical structure
The essay is well-organized, and your ideas progress logically from one paragraph to the next.
relevant specific examples
You have included relevant examples to back up your points, such as the reference to COVID-19 lockdowns, which makes your arguments more compelling.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • modern society
  • traditional values
  • familial bonds
  • community ties
  • collective well-being
  • individual gain
  • responsibility
  • care for others
  • neglect
  • isolation
  • honesty
  • respect
  • cooperation
  • individual greed
  • ethical conduct
  • social cohesion
  • crime rates
  • mental health
  • general happiness
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