IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The government should control the Internet to reduce cyber crime and ensure safety of users. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#government #control #internet #cyber #crime #safety #users
These days, the amount of fast
food
 and certain supermarket
products
 eaten in social life is growing.
While
 some people argue that
this
 trend will influence children’s nutrition, others claim that it has no damaging effect on them. I believe that in most cases
this
 type of
food
 affects people's digestion, especially children.
Firstly
, I think that fast
food
 and certain supermarket
products
 often do not align with the nutritional guidelines recommended for children. Promoting these
products
 in schools can encourage unhealthy eating habits among students.
Although
 it is generally considered that bad product eating is better than nothing, I doubt
this
 opinion. In my view, reasonable and intelligent people will always prefer healthy
food
such
 as vegetables, fruits and milk goods because these
products
 include crucial elements for human organisms.
Moreover
, there is a risk that educational content could become skewed by commercial interests.
For instance
, schools might avoid discussing the negative aspects of fast
food
due to
 their financial ties with these corporations. It might be advisable to isolate companies and educational institutes in the matter of catering.
Finally
,
in addition
 to claims and assumptions about the negative effects of fast
food
 I think that regular consumption of high-calorie, low-nutrient foods can lead to health problems
such
 as obesity, diabetes, and cardiovascular issues. Taking everything into consideration, I would say that encouraging these dietary choices in the educational setting can have long-term negative consequences on students' health. Again the responsibility should fall to the government to provide access to creating a health-
food
 system at the schools.
Submitted by dulskywork on

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Coherence and Cohesion
While your essay is well-structured, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. This will improve the overall coherence and cohesion of the piece.
Task Response
Use more specific examples and evidence to support your claims. For instance, provide statistics or studies showing the impact of fast food on children's health.
Task Response
Though your points are clear, some sentences could be more concise. Try to avoid repetitive phrases and ensure each sentence adds value.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have a clear and well-defined structure in your essay, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your main points are logically organized, making it easy to follow your argument.
Task Response
You have provided relevant reasons to support your main ideas, which helps in conveying your stance effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cybercrime
  • regulations
  • monitoring
  • suspicious activities
  • internet safety
  • user trust
  • e-commerce
  • censorship
  • freedom of speech
  • access to information
  • over-regulation
  • innovation
  • tech industry
  • data protection
  • identity theft
  • financial fraud
  • technical limitations
  • digital landscape
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