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Band 5.5

Many people strive to maintain a successful career and happy family life at the same time. What problems can this situation create? What are the possible solutions?

#people #career #life #time #situation
Some
people
 seek
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
perfect work and personal life balance.
However
,
reality
Add an article
the reality
show examples
 of their job situation does not let them meet the goal set by them. There are a plethora of problems that cause
this
 issue and certain solutions have to be implemented to avoid
this
 issue.
To begin
 with, the extreme working hours and irregular shifts could cause problems in the life of employees. To exemplify,
mostly
Correct your spelling
most
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 nurses do not have fixed shifts, their duty
keep
Verb problem
is
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on rotating
Change preposition
to rotate
show examples
 from morning to night shift to tackle the problem of staff shortage. Because
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 there is
unavailability
Correct article usage
an unavailability
show examples
 of nursing staff, hospitals try to manage the duty by offering extra hours to the current employees. A recent study has provided a clue that
due to
such
 an infrequent style of job, their divorce rates are very high. So, it can be difficult to maintain balance with
such
 types of jobs.
In contrast
, families should spend leisure time together
such
 as planning a trip to international countries which could reduce the isolation happening
due to
 the straining work schedule.
Thus
, a sense of belonging could help bring
people
 close to each other and decrease
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
friction.
For example
, a study shows that
people
 who take a week off from work in a year for a vacation are happier and
productive
Correct quantifier usage
more productive
show examples
 throughout the year than the
one's
Change noun form
ones
show examples
 who have not. Ergo, creating memories with family helps a lot to steer through the difficulties of life. In conclusion, extended working hours could affect
people
 personally
as well as
 at a family level.
Although
, spending quality time with one's family could help a lot to bring down the stress.
Hence
, work-life balance seems an ideal solution for
people
 and a multitude of creative methods should be implemented to achieve
this
 goal.
Submitted by Kiran on

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grammar
Work on grammatical accuracy to improve overall clarity. For example, 'people who have not' should be 'people who do not.'
coherence
Provide clearer transitions between paragraphs to enhance coherence. For example, instead of 'In contrast,' you could use 'On the other hand' to show an opposing viewpoint.
structure
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the discussion effectively.
examples
Good use of specific examples, like the study on nurse shifts and divorce rates, to support the main points.
content
The main points are well-supported and relevant to the topic at hand.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
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