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Band 6.5

the chart below give information on the number of workers in different occupatons who migrated to Australia between 2009 and 2012.

the chart below give information on the number of workers in different occupatons who migrated to Australia between 2009 and 2012.
#information #workers #occupatons #australia
The bar chart
illustrate
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illustrates
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 information related to the number of migrants who chose four dissimilar jobs in Australia from 2009 to 2012. The figures are shown in
thousand
Fix the agreement mistake
thousands
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.
Overall
, it can be seen that there was an upward trend of
workers
 in
accountant
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accountants
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 and computer
programmer
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programmers
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, the opposite was
truth
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true
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 for
cook
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cooks
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 and software
engineer
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engineers
show examples
.
Additionally
, in 2009 witnessed the highest point of
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
 in
accountant
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accountants
show examples
 throughout the whole period. Looking at the data closely, accountants explored 20
thousand
workers
 in 2009, a figure that
significant
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significantly
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 sire to 28
thousand
, making
this
 a substantial difference in the following year. After 2 years, it suddenly decreased
about
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to about
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 7
thousand
workers
.
Furthermore
, there was
an
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a
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 downward trend in
cook
Wrong verb form
cooking
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 with
initial
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an initial
the initial
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 amount of 17
thousand
 human
labors
Replace the word
labourers
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 by 2009 before a
slightly falling
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slight fall
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 and levelling up at 18
thousand
workers
 in both 2010 and 2011,
then
 it moderate drop
less
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of less
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 than 2 units
in
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at
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 the end of
timeframe
Add an article
the timeframe
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. Turning to the remaining statistics, software
engineer
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engineers
show examples
 saw a marginal increase during 3 years before having a decline to 17
thousand
workers
.
In contrast
, computer
programmer
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programmers
show examples
 experienced the lowest values of human
labors
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labor
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 compared to all
of
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apply
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occupations
through
Change preposition
throughout
show examples
 the entire period, with
initial
Correct article usage
an initial
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 figure under 5 units,
then
 the values saw a steady rise with over a double in 2012.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words thousand, workers with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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