IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

the chart below give information on the number of workers in different occupatons who migrated to Australia between 2009 and 2012.

the chart below give information on the number of workers in different occupatons who migrated to Australia between 2009 and 2012.
#information #workers #occupatons #australia
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The bar chart
illustrate
Change the verb form
illustrates
show examples
 information related to the number of migrants who chose four dissimilar jobs in Australia from 2009 to 2012. The figures are shown in
Use synonyms
thousand
Fix the agreement mistake
thousands
show examples
.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that there was an upward trend of
workers
Use synonyms
 in
accountant
Fix the agreement mistake
accountants
show examples
 and computer
programmer
Fix the agreement mistake
programmers
show examples
, the opposite was
truth
Replace the word
true
show examples
 for
cook
Fix the agreement mistake
cooks
show examples
 and software
engineer
Fix the agreement mistake
engineers
show examples
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, in 2009 witnessed the highest point of
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
 in
accountant
Fix the agreement mistake
accountants
show examples
 throughout the whole period. Looking at the data closely, accountants explored 20
thousand
Use synonyms
workers
Use synonyms
 in 2009, a figure that
significant
Change the word
significantly
show examples
 sire to 28
thousand
Use synonyms
, making
this
Linking Words
 a substantial difference in the following year. After 2 years, it suddenly decreased
about
Change preposition
to about
show examples
 7
thousand
Use synonyms
workers
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, there was
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 downward trend in
cook
Wrong verb form
cooking
show examples
 with
initial
Add an article
an initial
the initial
show examples
 amount of 17
thousand
Use synonyms
 human
labors
Replace the word
labourers
show examples
 by 2009 before a
slightly falling
Replace the word
slight fall
show examples
 and levelling up at 18
thousand
Use synonyms
workers
Use synonyms
 in both 2010 and 2011,
then
Linking Words
 it moderate drop
less
Change preposition
of less
show examples
 than 2 units
in
Change the preposition
at
show examples
 the end of
timeframe
Add an article
the timeframe
show examples
. Turning to the remaining statistics, software
engineer
Fix the agreement mistake
engineers
show examples
 saw a marginal increase during 3 years before having a decline to 17
thousand
Use synonyms
workers
Use synonyms
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, computer
programmer
Fix the agreement mistake
programmers
show examples
 experienced the lowest values of human
labors
Fix the agreement mistake
labor
show examples
 compared to all
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
occupations
through
Change preposition
throughout
show examples
 the entire period, with
initial
Correct article usage
an initial
show examples
 figure under 5 units,
then
Linking Words
 the values saw a steady rise with over a double in 2012.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Vocabulary: Replace the words thousand, workers with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: