IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

For many people, the reason they work hard is to earn more money. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

#people #reason #work #money
In
this
 day and age, it is often said that
money
 is the main reason for plenty of
people
 to
work
 hard. It is the opinion of
this
 writer that they
also
work
 for promotion and gaining happiness,
thus
, disagreeing with
this
 statement. It must be acknowledged that
people
 often want to get a promotion rather than earn
money
.
Due to
 the fact that when citizens get a high
position
 of power, they are respected by many
people
 around and they will get a lot of assistance if they get in trouble with something.
Moreover
, being in a
position
 of power
also
 helps their
children
 a lot, to be more specific, when they grow up, they will inherit the
position
 of their parents and have standard careers. Taking some Vietnamese kings in the past, their
children
 all inherited their parent’s
position
 when they became enough mature.
Therefore
, promotion is a key factor in working hard. Another reason why citizens dedicate themselves to their
work
 is to gain happiness.
In other words
, many workers feel happy, interested and satisfied when they
work
 and contribute hardly to their company or their bosses.
As a result
, they will gain more motivation to contribute and remain doing that job.
For instance
, rapper Den Vau used all his
money
 from a song to make a charity for
children
 who live in Vietnam's mountainous areas.
This
 is really meaningful to him because he can bring food, drink and conditions for studying to those
children
. In
this
 way, he gains a lot of happiness and motivation to develop his career. In conclusion,
money
 is not the main reason why
people
 dedicate themselves to
work
.
Therefore
,
this
 essay has demonstrated clear reasons to support other purposes of hard
work
.
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task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the prompt, arguing that people work hard for reasons other than money, such as promotions and happiness. However, you could further develop your ideas with more specific examples and additional points.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, consider adding transition phrases between paragraphs to make the essay flow more smoothly. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph thoroughly supports a single main idea before moving on to the next point.
coherence cohesion
Although your essay is generally clear, it could benefit from more detailed explanations and stronger examples to better support your arguments. Aim for more depth in each paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, making it easy to follow.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples, such as the Vietnamese kings and the rapper Den Vau, which help illustrate your points effectively.
coherence cohesion
You effectively introduced and concluded your essay, maintaining a focus on the argument throughout.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial stability
  • necessities
  • monetary rewards
  • quality of life
  • luxury items
  • dependents
  • responsibility
  • pursue
  • personal interests
  • cultural pressures
  • wealth accumulation
  • fulfillment
  • visible measure
  • correlate
  • secure future
  • comfortable lifestyle
  • entertainment
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