As mass communication and transport continue to grow, societies are becoming more and more alike leading to a phenomenon known as globalisation. Some people fear that globalisation will inevitably lead to the total loss of cultural identity. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Advancement of technology in communication and transportation has
catalized
Correct your spelling
catalyzed
glabalisation
. Correct your spelling
globalisation
globalization
This
phenomenon created more shared common things and values within global citizen
. Some people assume that globalisation can disrupt Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
nation's
identity and eventually will make cultural heritage Correct article usage
a nation's
vanished
. I Wrong verb form
vanish
am agree
with people's assumption because new generations are prone to adapt the new Change the verb form
agree
culture
and many of them are passionate Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
with
assimilated Change preposition
about
culture
.
Study
from Bandung Islamic University reported that Add an article
A study
The study
total
number of high schools in Bandung, the home of Sundanese Change the article
a total
the total
culture
, that teach Sundanese
language as a regular subject has decreased by 35% in 2024 Correct article usage
the Sundanese
dua
to Correct your spelling
due
lack
of human resources specialized in Correct article usage
a lack
this
discipline. In contrast
, english
courses gained 50% more students in the same year. The fact proves that youngsters are more welcome to Change the capitalization
English
the
globalisation and slowly forget their local cultures.
In December Correct article usage
apply
last
year, a group of protestants was seen in front of Bandung City Coucil
building, they were conveying their Correct your spelling
Council
complains
after seeing the city's representative in a national beauty Replace the word
complaints
peagent
competition Correct your spelling
pageant
chose
to wear modern attire Wrong verb form
choose
instead
of using the
authentic outfit Correct article usage
an
while
performing a traditional dance. Older generations were in
Change preposition
apply
rage
Add an article
the rage
a rage
of
Change preposition
at
this
disrespectful things towards cultural heritage that seemed to happen more often. It was Correct determiner usage
the
a
Correct article usage
apply
such
a shame to leave our traditional culture
.
In conclusion, globalisation has creeped
in and Correct your spelling
crept
replace
the existing traditions. It is not good to forget the identity that has been passed on from our ancestors, because it Wrong verb form
replaced
also
mean
that we try to refuse who we really are.Change the verb form
means
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General
Your essay presents a clear stance and effectively elaborates on the topic of globalization and cultural identity. However, it would benefit from more varied sentence structures and enhanced vocabulary to improve readability and engagement.
Grammar
Some grammar and spelling mistakes were noted, such as 'catalized' instead of 'catalyzed' and 'glabalisation' instead of 'globalization.' Proofreading for such errors will improve the coherence and readability of your essay.
Task Achievement
The examples provided are relevant but could use more detailed explanation to strongly support your points. Adding more examples or statistical data can help in substantiating the argument more effectively.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try integrating smoother transitions between paragraphs to ensure that your essay flows more naturally from one idea to the next.
Introduction and Conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and concise, which effectively encapsulates your main points.
Task Response
Your response addresses the task well, providing a balanced argument with specific examples.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.