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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

It is the responsibility of schools to teach children good behavior in addition to providing formal education. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#responsibility #schools #children #behavior #addition #education
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Nowadays more and more people keep with a belief that it is schools obligation to carry about providing lessons about good behaviour to their students.
Although
 it will be supportable for
children
 to be more intelligent, there are other factors
such
 as pupils’
parents
 who have more influence than tutors.
To begin
 with, it will be useful if schools should provide knowledge about behaviour. Since Abiturients spend most part of their time at
school
, the data they will take from the lessons
as well as
 the atmosphere have a significant impact on students.
For example
, in Japan,
children
 spend fifteen hours at
school
 per day.
In addition
 until secondary
school
 learn only about kindness and behavior in society. In fact,
children
 clean the
school
 on their own there, which growing up seems respectable.
As a result
,
children
 there are more well-mannered compared with others.
Thus
, there should be a lecture about intelligence.
While
 education centres have lessons on
this
 subject,
parents
 who are role-model will be more effective. Younger generations tend to copy their
parents
' behaviour and consider them a priority.
For instance
,in Germany, it has been proved that when
parents
 show kindness in their daily life,
children
 will try to both repeat and use it in life, whether it is good or bad aspects.
Therefore
, if
parents
 show their weak manners in their daily routines, babies will repeat it. In conclusion, I consider that
while
 lectures at
school
 about breeding are supportable, they are more effective when
parents
 are involved on their own since they are role- models. To be more precise, it is not the education
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 obligation.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task achievement
Ensure that all main points are fully developed with clear examples and additional details.
coherence cohesion
Refine the introduction to make it more engaging and clearly outline your stance on the topic.
coherence cohesion
Make sure that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next to maintain flow.
task achievement
You have used examples from Japan and Germany to support your points, which helps to illustrate your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, contributing to its overall structure.

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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