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Band 6.5

It is the responsibility of schools to teach children good behavior in addition to providing formal education. To what extent do you agree or disagree

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Nowadays more and more people keep with a belief that it is schools obligation to carry about providing lessons about good behaviour to their students.
Although
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 it will be supportable for
children
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 to be more intelligent, there are other factors
such
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 as pupils’
parents
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 who have more influence than tutors.
To begin
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 with, it will be useful if schools should provide knowledge about behaviour. Since Abiturients spend most part of their time at
school
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, the data they will take from the lessons
as well as
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 the atmosphere have a significant impact on students.
For example
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, in Japan,
children
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 spend fifteen hours at
school
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 per day.
In addition
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 until secondary
school
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 learn only about kindness and behavior in society. In fact,
children
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 clean the
school
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 on their own there, which growing up seems respectable.
As a result
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,
children
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 there are more well-mannered compared with others.
Thus
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, there should be a lecture about intelligence.
While
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 education centres have lessons on
this
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 subject,
parents
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 who are role-model will be more effective. Younger generations tend to copy their
parents
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' behaviour and consider them a priority.
For instance
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,in Germany, it has been proved that when
parents
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 show kindness in their daily life,
children
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 will try to both repeat and use it in life, whether it is good or bad aspects.
Therefore
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, if
parents
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 show their weak manners in their daily routines, babies will repeat it. In conclusion, I consider that
while
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 lectures at
school
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 about breeding are supportable, they are more effective when
parents
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 are involved on their own since they are role- models. To be more precise, it is not the education
centers
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centres
show examples
 obligation.

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task achievement
Ensure that all main points are fully developed with clear examples and additional details.
coherence cohesion
Refine the introduction to make it more engaging and clearly outline your stance on the topic.
coherence cohesion
Make sure that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next to maintain flow.
task achievement
You have used examples from Japan and Germany to support your points, which helps to illustrate your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, contributing to its overall structure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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