IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe arts such as painting and music cannot directly improve the quality of people's lives so that government money should be spent on other things. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #arts #music #quality #lives #government #money
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Overall
Linking Words
, I agree with the statement that the
government
Use synonyms
 should have more budget for things like public services including
hospitals
Use synonyms
, parks, transportation, and many more
instead
Linking Words
 of
arts
Use synonyms
 in order to provide a quality
life
Use synonyms
 to its citizens. The first and foremost reason for my agreement is that people's lives are directly impacted by the services that the
government
Use synonyms
 is providing them. The onus to provide better
facilities
Use synonyms
 is on the shoulders of the
government
Use synonyms
, so
instead
Linking Words
 of spending money on
arts
Use synonyms
 or theatres, the
government
Use synonyms
 should be more focused on providing other amenities,
for example
Linking Words
, educational schools,
hospitals
Use synonyms
, and many more.
For instance
Linking Words
, if the
government
Use synonyms
 assists children with better educational
facilities
Use synonyms
,
then
Linking Words
 these children in future would be able to secure better jobs like scientists, and doctors which ultimately improve their quality of
life
Use synonyms
, and
this
Linking Words
also
Linking Words
 helps to strengthen a country's economy in the long run.
In addition
Linking Words
 to that, we cannot deny that
arts
Use synonyms
 like music have an impact on the
life
Use synonyms
 of an individual but still, it is not directly linked to a person's
life
Use synonyms
 in any way, and these are merely a kind of recreational, fun, and relaxation activity.
Linking Words
Whereas
Correct word choice
Facilities
show examples
facilities
Use synonyms
 like
hospitals
Use synonyms
 are responsible for treating various patients and saving their lives, so music and painting cannot be considered as important as
hospitals
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, during COVID-19, the whole world was in need of good
hospitals
Use synonyms
 and doctors to treat infectious patients, and no one was bothered about anything related to the
arts
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, I am convinced that people are directly impacted by the
facilities
Use synonyms
 provided by the
government
Use synonyms
, so the
government
Use synonyms
's first priority should be to assist its local residents with better amenities in terms of public services.
Submitted by harleenarora620 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Expanding on how arts enrich individual lives and cultural heritage would add depth to the essay. You could also consider possible objections to your viewpoint and address them.
coherence cohesion
Consider strengthening the transitions between paragraphs for an even smoother flow of ideas. For instance, you can link the potential benefits of better public services to the improvement in the country's economy more explicitly.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is clearly written, occasionally using synonyms or varied sentence structures can make your essay more engaging. This can prevent redundancy, particularly with phrases like 'for example' and 'in addition to that.'
introduction conclusion present
You have a very strong introduction and conclusion, which helps in clearly presenting your argument and summarizing it effectively. This makes your essay easy to follow and ensures your points are well understood.
supported main points
All your main points are well-supported with specific examples and explanations, contributing to a comprehensive response to the task.
complete response
Your essay addresses the task prompt fully and presents a clear stance, which is consistently maintained throughout, making your argument convincing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: