IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that watching big events like sports and the Olympics on TV encourage adults to exercise regularly. While others disagree tzzhat there are other effective ways of getting them to exercise. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #events #sports #olympics #tv #adults #exercise #tzzhat
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Some might argue that spectating huge
sports
events
 on
TV
 will inspire adults to
work-out
Correct your spelling
work out
show examples
 more. Meanwhile, another
argument
state
Correct subject-verb agreement
states
show examples
 that there are many better
alternative
Fix the agreement mistake
alternatives
show examples
 to motivate
people
 to do physical activities. Personally, I am more leaning towards the second
argument
 and I will explain it more in the
next
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
following paragraphs. There is a misconception with the first
argument
 that
state
Fix the agreement mistake
states
show examples
 watching
sports
events
 on
TV
 can encourage
people
 to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
exercise
. Enjoying
sports
 as a viewer and doing the actual
sports
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 two different things that
people
 need to understand.
People
 might get
this
 adrenaline rush and thrilling sensation when they are watching
sports
tournament
Fix the agreement mistake
tournaments
show examples
, but
this
 does not
corelate
Correct your spelling
correlate
 with having
motivation
Change the article
the motivation
show examples
 to do the sport itself.
Majority
Correct article usage
The majority
show examples
 of
people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 identify themselves as
sports
 viewer usually just like to see it for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
entertainment
purposed
Replace the word
purposes
show examples
 only and rarely follow it up to do the
exercise
. Even if they do
exercise
 after
watch
Change the verb form
watching
show examples
 the tournament, most of them will rarely commit to the sport that they
initally
Correct your spelling
initially
 do. As it is stated in the previous paragraph, watching
sports
events
 on
TV
 will not make someone love doing
sports
 automatically. What
motivate
Change the verb form
motivates
show examples
people
 to
exercise
 regularly
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
mainly
come
Wrong verb form
comes
show examples
 from their selves, especially when they just discovered they have health issues.
In addition
 to that, many
people
also
 start to work out more when they are not comfortable enough with their body shape. So it can be said that what
encourage
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourages
show examples
people
 to do
sports
 or
exercise
 more is something personal that
come
Change the verb form
comes
show examples
 from themselves rather than external factors.
That is
 why the
later
Correct your spelling
latter
show examples
argument
are making
Wrong verb form
makes
show examples
 more sense than the first one. In conclusion, watching
sports
events
 on
TV
 does not
corelate
Correct your spelling
correlate
relate
 to
people
become
Wrong verb form
becoming
show examples
 motivated to
exercise
 regularly, rather
people
 are more likely to work out when they have
this
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
internal reasons
such
 as health issues and achieve their dream body.
Submitted by arsyiiimuhammad061 on

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task achievement
While the ideas are clear, ensure that you develop each point more comprehensively, including specific examples or studies that support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Proofread your essay for minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing to enhance the flow of writing. For example, phrases like 'what motivate people' could be corrected to 'what motivates people.'
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, and each paragraph addresses a specific point relevant to the topic.
task achievement
You effectively presented both viewpoints, allowing for a balanced discussion before clearly stating your own opinion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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