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Band 5.5

In many countries it is now illegal to smoke in public place. It is only fair that people who wish to smoke should have to leave the building. Do you agree or disagree?

#countries #smoke #place #people
Recently, in many countries, smoking in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
common areas is now
prohibitted
Correct your spelling
prohibited
. It is reasonable to ask
people
 who want to have a cigarette to leave the building. In my opinion,
people
 should not be allowed to smoke in front of the common crowd, as it would pose huge risks to others'
health
, and
the
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apply
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cigarettes
also
 could cause
fire
 if discarded in the wrong places.
Firstly
, smoking is bad for
human's
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human
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health
. The burnt products of a cigarette comprise
of
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apply
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various toxic substances, and some of them could be carcinogenic.
Moreover
, many researches have shown that secondary smokers- someone who does not smoke but inhale the fume from others,
also
 have fairly high risks of developing cancer. It is especially dangerous for young babies, who are vulnerable with underdeveloped respiratory
system
Fix the agreement mistake
systems
show examples
 to fight against the toxin.
Hence
, smoking in front of other
people
 can have
negative
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a negative
show examples
 effect on their
health
.
In addition
, smoking in public can be dangerous as the leftover buds of
cigarette
Correct article usage
the cigarette
show examples
 may be discarded irresponsibly and catch on
fire
, damaging
the
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apply
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public property and placing others' lives in danger. In fact, there have been several incidents in Vietnam in which
fire
happend
Correct your spelling
happened
due to
 half-burnt cigarettes thrown
a way
Correct your spelling
away
show examples
 on the streets.
Thus
,
people
 who want to smoke should have a place for themselves with proper areas for leftover buds. In conclusion, I strongly believe that a ban on public smoking is critical to protect other
people
's
health
,
as well as
 to prevent possible risk of
fire
 in public areas.
Submitted by kimtruong270192 on

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task achievement
To enhance clarity and further illustrate your points, consider adding more diverse examples beyond just one country. Including a wider range of examples can reinforce your argument more effectively.
coherence cohesion
While the essay has a logical structure, you may want to ensure that your main points are clearly separated into different paragraphs. This will improve readability and coherence.
task achievement
Strengthen your explanation by delving deeper into how smoking impacts public areas and possibly presenting counterarguments. This will display a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
introduction conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and succinct, effectively framing your argument. Great job on making them engaging and relevant!
supported main points
You provided compelling reasons for your stance against smoking in public places, focusing on health and safety issues, which are very relevant points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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