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Band 7.5

Some people say that the extened family is not as important as it once was. Others think that its worth has not changed because people always need help from their family members. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #members
The role of the extended family in society has been a subject of debate, with some arguing that its significance has diminished in modern times
while
 others contend that its worth remains unchanged. I take the side with the latter view because of the inner aid and sense of belonging that a traditional household brings. Some argue that the extended family has become less important
due to
 changing social structures,
such
 as urbanization and globalization, which have led to increased geographical dispersion of families.
Therefore
,the availability of social services and other forms of external support may lead some to believe that familial networks are no longer as essential as they once were.
For example
, with the expansion of social welfare programs, healthcare services, and community resources, individuals may perceive that they can rely on these external helping systems
instead
 of depending on their great kindred for assistance.
On the contrary
, clanfolk can provide emotional support during challenging times, offering empathy, advice, and companionship that may not be available from other sources.
In other words
, emotional well-being appears not only when members live together under one roof but
also
 encourages people who live far away from home.
For instance
, strong kin bonds contribute to lower levels of stress, depression, and loneliness, highlighting the enduring significance of extended household relationships in promoting emotional resilience and psychological well-being.
Moreover
, family members provide a unique sense of security, acceptance, and understanding, qualities that are often elusive or difficult to obtain from alternative sources. In conclusion, despite claims of its declining importance, evidence highlights the enduring relevance of the traditional lineage. The ongoing need for support, cultural values, and spiritual bonds emphasize its significance in navigating modern life.
Submitted by gautopsoi368 on

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task achievement
The essay could benefit from more specific examples to strengthen the points made. For example, mention specific instances where extended family support has been crucial.
coherence cohesion
Try to use varied sentence structures to enhance the readability and engagement of your essay. This can also contribute to a higher score in grammatical range and accuracy.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-defined, clearly stating the writer's position.
task achievement
The essay provides a balanced discussion of both viewpoints, which is essential for a well-rounded discourse.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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