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Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays a lot of important is given to the dress and appearance of celebrities, however, some people feel it is completely unnecessary. What is your opinion?

It is undeniable that
beauty
Use synonyms
 and fashion are important for TV personalities as they are always
under
Change preposition
at
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 the
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 of
attention
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, some people think that these aspects are not
necessay
Correct your spelling
necessary
 in reality and they should not pay so much
attention
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 them. From my perspective, I
agree
Add the preposition
agree on
agree to
agree with
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this
Linking Words
 statement as their actions and behaviours are significantly
influent
Replace the word
influential
show examples
 on their fans and followers.
Therefore
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,
this
Linking Words
 essay intends to discuss how their action can affect
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, nowadays
the
Correct article usage
apply
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famous stars mainly focus on their appearance to gain public recognition. Their
beauty
Use synonyms
 standards
has
Change the verb form
have
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 been changed through how they dress up.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they tend to wear
the
Correct article usage
apply
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luxury clothes and use
the
Correct article usage
apply
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expensive cosmetics to brag
their
Change preposition
about their
show examples
beauty
Use synonyms
. After that, they share their stories on social media. In
this
Linking Words
ways
Fix the agreement mistake
way
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, they find the increased subscription.
In addition
Linking Words
, they dare to do even dangerous surgeries to be more beautiful.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, their actions can lead to
materialistic
Correct article usage
a materialistic
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 society.
For example
Linking Words
, they are role models
Change preposition
for
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of
Change preposition
for
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 their fans, who are interested in their idols'
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
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lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
. They tend to imitate
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
similiar
Correct your spelling
similar
 behaviour. Since celebrities heavily rely on
on
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
materials, they definitely want to do so.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they will ask
allowances
Change preposition
for allowances
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 from their parents to purchase them. If their parents are not
affordable
Correct word choice
able
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 to shell out, they will resort to petty crime to earn money in an alternative way.
Hence
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, I think celebrities should not pay too much
attention
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
to
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 materialism.
To sum up
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, it can be reiterated that
beauty
Use synonyms
 and
apperance
Correct your spelling
appearance
 are important for actors and actresses for
Correct article usage
the audient's
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audient's
Correct your spelling
audience's
show examples
attention
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, their behaviour negatively
influence
Correct subject-verb agreement
influences
show examples
 on their followers, so their
beauty
Use synonyms
standard
Fix the agreement mistake
standards
show examples
 should not depend on materials.

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task achievement
Incorporate more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. Personal anecdotes or well-known instances involving celebrities will make your points more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that there are smooth transitions between your ideas and paragraphs for better coherence and flow.
general
Address any minor inaccuracies or grammatical issues to enhance the clarity of your ideas. This will help in achieving consistency throughout your essay.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a coherent overall structure.
content
The main points are relevant and are logically developed, showing a good understanding of the topic.
support
The use of reasons to support the main argument makes the essay persuasive and focused.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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