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Band 5

(QG) Many people who care for the elderly do not have enough time to look after them. What are the problems related to this? What are some possible solutions?

#qg #people #care #time
Many individuals are in a dilemma of balancing between spending
time
 on themselves and the elderly.
This
 phenomenon may result from the amount of working
time
 and the effect of the elderly on young
people
.
This
 can be resolved by having the public and government take part in improving facilities for the elderly. It should be acknowledged that the main problem leading to
this
 situation is the amount of
time
 that employers require for the work. Nowadays,
people
 suffer from long working hours that they even have no or little
time
 to spend with their family.
However
, the caring job, especially for the elderly, demands a large number of hours and
also
 patience.
Thus
,
people
 have less
time
 for looking after
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
old age and lack of attention to them can lead to misunderstanding of their needs and lower both their physical and mental health. Another problem that should be considered is that most
people
 will become aggressive and rude when they get to the age of sixties. Because of the absence of many memory fields and some linking neurons, the elderly have no intention in their actions and they sometimes annoy their supporters suddenly.
According to
 research published by VNExpress in 2001, young
people
 were likely to be upset with the bad behaviours of old
people
 and around 50% of these actions were not what the older did
want
Wrong verb form
wanted
show examples
 to express.
Therefore
, the work of looking after elders is more complicated for supporters and some must-not-have situations can
be occurred
Wrong verb form
occur
show examples
by
Change preposition
due
show examples
 having rudeness in old
people
.
However
, these problems can be tackled by having community
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 for the elderly. By meeting their peers or someone who has undergone a similar situation, they can share their hobbies and stories of their life with others.
As a result
, they feel less lonely and
also
 their relatives who have responsibility for taking care of them have more spare
time
 to take a rest. Many applications of
this
 sort of community service are taken into account and saw a successful result in Vietnam.
To sum up
, balancing work and caring is tough because of the long working
time
 and how aggressively old age
.
Add a missing verb
is.
show examples
 These can have practices to minimize the effect on the elderly and younger by raising funds for community centres for them.

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coherence cohesion
Work on adhering to a more logical and clear essay structure. For instance, start with a clear introduction, followed by separate paragraphs that discuss different problems and solutions in more depth, and then conclude effectively.
task achievement
Increase clarity by ensuring each problem and solution is clearly and comprehensively explained. Some ideas were a bit difficult to follow due to vague descriptions.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific and relevant examples to support your points. This enhances the richness and depth of your essay, making your arguments more persuasive.
task achievement
You demonstrate a good understanding of the topic and provide multiple perspectives on the issue.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes an introduction and a conclusion, which is good for overall structure.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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