IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In some countries, traditional art is in facing extinction. Some people think that governments should spend some public money on its preservation. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #art #extinction #people #governments #money #preservation
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It is thought by a selection of individuals that the governments in some countries should expend
money
Use synonyms
 on preserving their traditional art as they are going to the brink of extinction. From my perspective, I totally disagree with
this
Linking Words
 notion and
reasons
Correct pronoun usage
my reasons
show examples
 will be outlined in the following paragraphs before reaching my conclusion.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, there are plenty of problems and issues that are awaiting the states to tackle and mitigate. To explain in greater detail, air pollution, one of the primary matters, is attributed to many old and unperformed public vehicles which are still being used and emit an excessive amount of exhaust fumes, affecting people's respiratory systems directly.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, a number of factories still illegally litter chemical substances or wastewater into rivers and canals and
hence
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 communities around those areas need a lot of new water cleansing systems. An apt illustration of
this
Linking Words
 is that in my city, Bangkok, the government needs to spend a lot of
money
Use synonyms
 on purchasing new and upcoming EV public buses to alleviate air pollution in society.
In addition
Linking Words
, communities in some areas are encountered with wastewater causing smelly and unpleasant scents,
therefore
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 the
authority
Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
show examples
 have to buy new water cleansing machines and set them along the riverside to ease
this
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 issue.
Additionally
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, another clear reason to support my point of view is globalisation. To elaborate
further
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, the new generations in
this
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 contemporary time tend to travel abroad to study or travel leading to the convergence of traditions.
Moreover
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, it is the governments that allow many multinational companies to open their branches. To specifically demonstrate, many of my friends are now going to study in the UK, the USA and Australia and when they come back they
also
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 get and receive a new tradition or culture from those countries with them. Another thing is most of them apply to multinational companies which have good and nice connections with the government. All in all, spending public
money
Use synonyms
 on preserving traditional art, which is not essential and brings benefits to us these days, is worthless. In my opinion, it is a fact the government should spend public
money
Use synonyms
 on things that will provide a better quality of life to citizens
such
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 as pollution;
besides
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, the world has been changing every day and
thus
Linking Words
 it is better to grasp new traditions and adapt it to our lives.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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task achievement
While your essay stays on topic, some paragraphs could benefit from tighter alignment with the essay prompt. Ensure each point directly addresses the need for or against government spending on traditional arts, and continually link back to this central argument.
coherence cohesion
The structure is generally clear with a good introduction and conclusion. However, there are moments when transitioning between ideas could be smoother. Use cohesive devices to logically connect disparate points where applicable.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-crafted, giving a clear framework for the discussion.
task achievement
You successfully build several supporting points for your argument and provide concrete examples, which strengthen your position.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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