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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

These days, mobile phone and the internet are very important to the ways in which people relate to one another socially. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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In
this
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 ultra-modern world, when
people
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 want to connect to each other, they use the internet and mobiles. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss the benefits and drawbacks and illustrate whether if
advantages
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 outweigh the disadvantages or not.
To begin
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, There are many
advantages
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.
Firstly
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, it is the easiest communication form for
people
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 who are far from each other, especially introverts.
Secondly
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, the speed is high and
people
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 can talk or text their friends very fast. Cheapness is the third benefit of using the internet and mobiles for social communications.
last
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 but not least, is that we can use it when we are far from our friends or families.
For example
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, my mother is in Germany and I'm in Iran. We can speak whenever we want. And so many other
advantages
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.
Therefore
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, lots of
advantages
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 exist in
this
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 method that help men and women reach other
people
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 very easily.
On the other hand
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, There are one or two problems in
this
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 type of communication.
Such
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 as depression. If we use it a lot, We may lose our connection with reality and it causes so many mental problems for us.
Moreover
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, social media can not transfer our true meaning right because it is not programmed right .
However
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, we can make it harmless by controlling the internet and mobile phones.
To sum up
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, we can find so many strong
advantages
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 in
this
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 type of communication.
However
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, there are a few drawbacks too. I personally think the potential
advantages
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 of
this
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 development certainly outnumber the drawbacks of it.

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task achievement
To achieve a higher score, ensure your main points are consistently supported with more detailed and relevant examples. Providing more specific instances can give greater clarity and stronger support to your arguments.
task achievement
Aim to develop your ideas more comprehensively. Expanding on how and why mobile phones and the internet can lead to mental health issues, for instance, would provide a deeper analysis.
coherence cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structure and using a wider range of linking words and phrases to enhance your essay. This can improve the overall coherence and help your writing flow more smoothly.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your argument effectively. Well done!
task achievement
You effectively presented several advantages and disadvantages of mobile phone and internet use for social interaction. This shows an understanding of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • instantaneous
  • digital communication
  • geographical barriers
  • social networking
  • face-to-face interactions
  • overdependence
  • privacy concerns
  • cyberbullying
  • online communities
  • unparalleled access
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