IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

More and more people claim that modern work patterns are a source of stress. what do you think are the causes of this? can you suggest some possible solutions?

#people #work #patterns #source #stress
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In
this
 revolutionary world, constant worry is inevitable and working trends at offices have contributed majorly to these apprehensions. The reasons for stress could be an inability to take a break at
work
 or poor
time
 management; these are a couple of causes out of many. In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 we will discuss these concerns and answers to these problems.
Firstly
, being able to relax at
work
 is not a luxury but a necessity.
For instance
,
a
Correct article usage
apply
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research was conducted in year 2018 by
Wall
Correct article usage
the Wall
show examples
 Street
journal
Capitalize word
Journal
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 in New York, which proved that organizations offering
time
 out to
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 employees had more than 72% success rate
at the end
 of the week, as compared to companies which were overburdening their staff eventually leading to a burn out ratio of approximately 36%. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
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 the most obvious answer observing these statistics would be to install massage chairs and gaming areas in offices, and
time
 slots could be assigned to each worker so they can
work
 efficiently.
Secondly
, it was a very common practice in past to take pending
work
 at home. By doing
this
 people were weighed down, leading to physical
as well as
 mental exhaustion, and ultimately an increase in hospitalizations.
This
 is best proven by a health survey carried out by
Harvard
Correct article usage
the Harvard
show examples
school
Capitalize word
School
show examples
 of
medicine
Capitalize word
Medicine
show examples
 on employees working in stock markets in Manhattan; more than 46% of workers had poor discipline when it came to
work
-life balance leading to early retirements. To overcome
this
 matter, many businesses improvised their rules and
time
 management was taught to employees to finish assignments before signing out.
To conclude
, in
this
 competitive world where everyone is
thriving
Verb problem
striving
show examples
 to succeed,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
psychological stress can lead to major health issues because of being overstrained and poor
time
 management.
Therefore
, it is very important to have a
work
-life balance to have a happy
work
 environment.
Submitted by hnm0804 on

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task achievement
Try to further refine the introduction by explicitly stating the causes you will discuss, i.e., inability to take breaks and poor time management.
task achievement
Consider elaborating on the solutions provided, such as how exactly time management can be taught or examples of effective time management strategies.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs. Adding a few transition phrases can further improve the coherence and flow of your essay.
task achievement
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the discussion well.
task achievement
The essay includes relevant and specific examples to support the main points, such as mentioning the Wall Street Journal and Harvard School of Medicine studies.
coherence cohesion
Logical structure is maintained throughout the essay, with each paragraph addressing a specific cause or solution for work-related stress.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • workload: the amount of work that someone has to do Example: 'The increasing workload is becoming overwhelming for employees.'
  • burnout: a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress Example: 'Long working hours can eventually lead to burnout.'
  • work-life balance: the balance that an individual needs between time allocated for work and other aspects of life Example: 'Flexible working hours can help achieve a better work-life balance.'
  • digital detox: a period during which a person refrains from using electronic devices such as smartphones or computers Example: 'A digital detox can reduce stress and improve mental health.'
  • job security: the probability that an individual will keep their job, with a low risk of becoming unemployed Example: 'Job security is crucial for reducing stress in the workplace.'
  • micromanagement: a management style whereby a manager closely observes or controls the work of subordinates Example: 'Micromanagement can hinder productivity and increase stress levels among employees.'
  • autonomy: independence or freedom, as of the will or one's actions Example: 'Giving employees more autonomy can help reduce their stress and improve job satisfaction.'
  • career development: the process of managing life, learning, and work over the lifespan Example: 'Career development programs can reduce stress by providing employees with clear growth opportunities.'
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