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Writing Samples
Band 6

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #people #outweigh
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Currently, several nations have bonus demographics
while
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 the youth
generation
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 dominates the resident composition rather than the elderly
generation
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. I believe
this
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 condition would bring more advantages for the nation, especially for the economic aspect but it has a risk in the future at the same time. First of all, the dominance of the youth
generation
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 would increase economic
growth
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 since they will boost consumption. There will be a large of labourers who work to earn money and spend it to fulfil their needs in many sectors,
such
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 as food, real estate, entertainment and tourism which would have a multiplier effect on macroeconomics.
Also
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, the
growth
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 would bring benefits for the entrepreneur to expand their business.
Also
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, the increase in consumption would bring benefits for the
government
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 through tax revenue through value-added tax or income tax.
Then
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,
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government
Add an article
the government
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 could increase its spending on development
such
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 as infrastructure development or non-physical development
such
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 as education or social health.
However
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, the bonus demographic could bring risks to the future for the countries,
such
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 as a potential expense for retirement and pension
while
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 the labour is no longer productive. The
government
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 should have an action plan when they become older by maximizing the momentum of economic
growth
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 in the prior period. To summarize, a significant portion of the young
generation
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 would bring more advantages for the countries
due to
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 the effect on economic
growth
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 and business expansion.
However
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, the
government
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 should be aware when they become elderly
generation
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 in the future there would be the risk of retirement and pension.
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Coherence & Cohesion
Work on ensuring that each paragraph flows logically to the next. Your points are good but sometimes feel a bit disjointed. Use clearer linking words and phrases to connect your ideas more fluidly.
Task Response
The use of some terms and phrases could be improved for clarity. For instance, instead of "a large of labourers," you could say "a large number of laborers." Also, make sure to explain technical terms like "multiplier effect."
Task Response
Try to include more specific examples to support your main points. For example, you could mention a specific country that has benefited from a youthful population. This adds depth to your argument and makes your essay more convincing.
Task Response
Your essay provides a clear response to the prompt, discussing both advantages and disadvantages effectively.
Coherence & Cohesion
You have a logical structure in your essay, with clear paragraphs dedicated to different points. Your introduction and conclusion are present and relevant.
Coherence & Cohesion
You have a commendable level of vocabulary and a variety of sentence structures, which is beneficial for your writing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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