In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.
In our modern society, age longevity is going up.
This
could make up a new burden to society but we could stop the problem by increasing the newborn rate.
With citizens having the ability to live for longer, an increase in old people
population is inevitable. Higher-age individuals cannot take care of themselves both financially and physically; thus
, they need someone younger and stronger to support them. This
not only increases the amount of taxes
in
healthcareChange preposition
on
,
but Remove the comma
apply
also
cause
a rise in stress and problems that younger workers need to take care of. As an illustration Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
for
how much of a burden Change preposition
of
this
could be, when youthful
citizens Correct word choice
young
were
faced with pressure, losing their motivation is only a matter of time. Wrong verb form
are
Thus
, this
leads to an
substantial decrease in productivity and Change the article
a
further
damaging
the country’s Replace the word
damages
overall
economy.
Countering with
Change preposition
apply
a
rise of Correct article usage
the
old-population
, my solution is to increase the newborn rate. Elderly Correct your spelling
population
people
needs
to be taken care of by the young proportion of society, so a rocket of newborns should be the key Change the verb form
need
for
our problem; but how do we do that? IT would be best to create a political rule providing families which have more children more privileges. Change preposition
to
For instance
, homes with 2 kdis
would have lower Correct your spelling
kids
taxes
, home
with 3 children would get Replace the word
homes
Add an article
a benefit
benefit
based on the country it’s in and Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
people
or families that have no kids have to pay a significant
larger amount of Change the adjective
significantly
taxes
to support those who does
and the elderly Correct subject-verb agreement
do
people
.
In conclusion, the rise of older
population may cause great tension for the younger workers and to counter that problem, we can try to increase the country’s Correct article usage
the older
overall
newborn rate by making new political rules about taxes
.Submitted by mizh.nguyen on
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coherence cohesion
The essay could benefit from a clearer distinction between the potential benefits of increasing the newborn rate and the challenges of an aging population. Providing distinct paragraphs for each main point would improve clarity.
task achievement
Some of the ideas in the essay need more development and specific examples. For instance, explain how the proposed tax incentives have worked in other countries or theoretical models.
coherence cohesion
Try to avoid minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasings to improve clarity and readability. For example, 'Elderly people needs' should be 'Elderly people need,' and 'homes with 2 kdis' should be 'homes with 2 kids.'
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, framing the issue and proposed solution effectively.
clear comprehensive ideas
You effectively raise a relevant and critical societal issue and suggest a plausible solution to it.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.