IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Parent allowed their children use ipad. Do yo agree or disagree?

#parent #children #ipad #yo
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Nowadays, iPads have an
an
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
important role for
children
 because they have many educational apps that enhance learning and development in school. Some parents don't have much time to take care of their
children
, so they
use
 an
iPad
 to raise their
children
.
Ipad
 has advantages and disadvantages for
children
. I think
children
 at
age
 below 2
years
 should not
use
ipad
 but
age
 above 2
years
 can
use
ipad
. I will discuss the advantages and disadvantages in the following paragraphs. On the one hand,
iPad
Correct article usage
the iPad
show examples
 has benefits for elementary school students because the
iPad
 has many educational apps for the students and the
iPad
 can stimulate their imagination.
Furthermore
,
Ipad
 can improve
children
's
hands-eye
Correct your spelling
hand-eye
show examples
 coordination and fine motor skills. In the future technology will grow and have innovation, and it would be good for
children
 to learn how to
use
 technology at a young
age
.
On the other hand
, there are many disadvantages of
iPad
use
 in
children
 at
age
 below 2
years
.
The medical
Correct article usage
Medical
show examples
 research
,
Remove the comma
apply
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proves that
children
 at
age
 below 2
years
 who spend screen time for more than 2 hours per day increased risk of autistic-like
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
such
 as lack of interaction with other people,inattention and conductive disorder. Autistic-like behaviour tends to be a big problem in the future.
Moreover
, the
iPad
 is a way to access the internet that has many contents that are inappropriate for
children
such
 as violent videos and sexual videos.
children
 learn from these contents that make them have inappropriate behaviors and many social problems will come. Another disadvantage of using the
iPad
 is the blue light that affects the eyes and increases the risk of eye problems. Overusing the
iPad
 can lead to reduced physical activities and tend to increase their weight and become obese offspring who have many medical problems . So parents should monitor and control the
iPad
use
 by their offspring and give them suggestions about should and shouldn't behaviours. In Conclusion,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
ipads
Correct your spelling
iPads
show examples
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 pros and cons for
children
. I think
children
 below 2
years
 shouldn't
use
ipad
 but
children
 above 2
years
 can
use
ipad
 under the control of their parents which will make the most benefit to their
children
.
Submitted by papica13 on

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task achievement
Try to deepen your relevant and specific examples to strengthen your arguments. For instance, incorporate research findings or expert opinions to validate your points.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to proofread the essay for minor grammatical and typographical errors to enhance clarity and readability. For instance, there are minor inaccuracies like 'iPads has an an important role' which should be 'iPads have an important role'.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction provides a clear stance and outlines what will be discussed in the essay.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reinforces the initial stance, contributing to a coherent and comprehensive essay.
logical structure
The essay has a logical structure with clear paragraphs dedicated to different aspects of the argument.
supported main points
The main points are well supported but could benefit from more detailed examples.
complete response
The response is complete and addresses the advantages and disadvantages as required by the task.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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