IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

(VMN)When asked to choose between a life without work and working most of the time, people would always choose not to work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#vmn #life #work #time #people
There is a statement that when it comes to two choices, whether working or not working in most of the living
time
, the latter is commonly inclined towards. From the writer’s
prospective
Correct your spelling
perspective
show examples
,
this
 decision can be
understanding
Replace the word
understandable
show examples
,
due to
 the desire to
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 more leisure
time
 to enjoy their hobbies or improve themselves after a hard-working and tiring phase of working
time
. The primary point is that people who opt for that choice may have suffered from
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
sufficient stress in the workplace. From dealing with an enormous amount of documents and the group’s project to facing
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a variety of problems in the corporations and their daily basis, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted when thinking about the work is inevitable. Owing to
this
, human usually wants to
halt
Verb problem
quit
show examples
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 current jobs, or even quit
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
, to have more
time
 for releasing stress.
However
, as no working means no living earning, people cannot realize
this
 “dream”, but just wish for it.
This
 results in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
big
Correct word choice
large
show examples
 amount of answers choosing no work
in
Change the preposition
at
show examples
 the beginning of the essay. The need to enhance their skills can be considered as another point worth referring
.
Change preposition
to.
show examples
 Spending most of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 life arriving and leaving the office building, the
time
 to nurture their knowledge and experience might be inadequate, though it is true to contend that more practical lessons can be learnt from the workplace. Because of
this
 reason, more individuals, especially the young and ambitious ones,
wants
Correct subject-verb agreement
want
show examples
 to quit
the
Change the word
their
show examples
occupation
Fix the agreement mistake
occupations
show examples
 to freely attend classes to develop plenty of soft and hard skills.
This
 can be basically observed from the increase of the “gap year” decision, when people at least
spends
Correct subject-verb agreement
spend
show examples
 their free year to continue
expand
Wrong verb form
expanding
show examples
 their vision and significantly improve numerous skills in some particular aspects. Taking all points into account,
as
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
working gives a strain and a
time
 restriction, which prevent individuals from having
time
 for easing stress
as well as
 developing themselves.
This
,
therefore
, leads to a majority of
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
gravitates
Wrong verb form
gravitating
show examples
 towards the option of having no work in their most life.
Hence
, the writer approves
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the statement.
Submitted by [email protected] on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay would benefit from more specific examples that illustrate your points clearly.
task achievement
Ensure that your sentences are grammatically correct. For example, ‘understanding’ should be ‘understandable’ and 'human usually wants' should be 'humans usually want'.
coherence cohesion
Improve the structure by ensuring a clear connection between sentences and ideas, making the essay more logically organized.
coherence cohesion
Work on transitioning smoothly between paragraphs and ideas to enhance the flow of the essay.
task achievement
Your understanding of the task is good, and you’ve addressed both aspects of it (leisure time vs. work).
task achievement
You have presented a balanced view with some relevant arguments and reasons to support your stance.
coherence cohesion
You provided a clear introduction and a conclusion, which adds to the essay’s overall coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: